There once was a hermit named Dave

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
She was missing a tit.
She smelled like shit.
But think of the money he saved!

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A mortician who practiced in Fife

A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
“How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, dinna budge,
Just the same as she acted in life.”

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“If only you’d show me”, I said

“If only you’d show me”, I said,
“Just a smidgeon of interest in bed.
Just a smile? Just a sigh?
Just a touch on my thigh?
Just a … shit; I forgot you were dead.

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