Category: Original Content - Page 5

A man had been thrown in the clink

His release, just right on the brink

With his payment, he lied

And was sent back inside

For real, what did this fucker think?

The pilot just took to sky

And spotted what looked like a guy

Who had on his back

Some sort of jetpack

He’ll be lucky if he doesn’t die

A woman was holding her pup

When she dropped it, it didn’t get up

Drove to cops, in her car

Who then gave CPR

Damn, that lady really fucked up

This beefalo’s caused quite the stir

He refused his slaughter to occur

His life on the run

Is over and done

Down to Florida, they let him transfer

This isn’t just some wedding cake

It’s a quite famous keepsake

Over 40-years-old

Probably filled with mold

Someone paid two grand for a tummy ache

A ten percent tip is okay

“Twenty is great,” some will say

But an NH guest

Promised the best

And left a tip of 16k

He was learning to shoot chipmunks dead

But this little shot, he misread

They’ll need a band-aid

Since it ricocheted

And shot his uncle in the head

In Baton Rouge, there’s been an influx

Of close to about 60 ducks

The city’s fretting

And find it upsetting

But the birds, they give zero fucks

In Philly, they’re having a race

With attire, a bit out of place

As tradition goes

You don’t have to wear clothes

With a mask just to cover your face

He was diving on his normal route

Just working as a lobster scout

Caught in a whale’s bite

He put up a fight

It surfaced and then spit him out

“Oh shit! My wallet, I lack!”

After checking her wallet and pack

For so long she yearned

And now it’s returned

But at this point, why want it back?

Everyone knows how drinking goes

Couple drinks then you’re boxing pros

But these dudes went hard

And one will be scarred

As one chomped the other one’s nose

The dumpsters they gave a peruse

Looking for what trash to choose

This instance is odd

As this hungry squad

Is not raccoons but cockatoos

Souvenirs are post cards or hat

Souvenirs are postcards or hats

Or even a meaningful tat

They stole some land

A shit ton of sand

What the fuck would they do with all that?

A man, he was tearing down walls

And made out with quite some odd hauls

Now under his house

It wasn’t a mouse

But a shit ton of bowling balls

There was a deal for some land

But it didn’t go over as planned

The mess did unfold

When the tower was sold

You know someone’s getting canned

Rich folk have been taking some notes

Wanting to marry their yards and their boats

They paid their fee

Now in NYC,

Is this boujee-ass park that just floats

A sunbather let out a loud screech

No one knows how there it did reach

It’s quite some weird shit

That the gator made it

From New Orleans to a Texas beach

To sell it quite high was their aim

So to an auction they came

With the final bill

At nearly 2 mil

All for a Mario game

This guy is a real shitty dude

And this move was truly quite crude

He got some citations

For killing crustaceans

Spoiling thousands of bucks in seafood

In Thornton, crime filled the air

Car break-ins gave quite the scare

They caught the felon

Not Roy or Helen

Instead, it was a dumbass bear

A German was looking through trash

Then noticed something in a flash

He found some old art

Grabbing it was smart

‘Cause those things are worth quite some cash

In Alaska, a pilot had flown

“SOS,” a man’s rooftop had shown

Got attacked by a bear

And got quite the scare

Said the dick wouldn’t leave him alone

He grabbed his coat and his keys

To put his hunger at ease

He didn’t stay calm

And threatened a bomb

For not getting sauce at McD’s

The driver’s window was ajar

Just listenin’ to some NPR

The bug must’ve thought

“Outside is quite hot”

It flew in and fucked up their car

These gardeners just want to know

About seeds and how they should sow

But Facebook’s upset

Thinking it’s a threat

Flipping shit about the word “hoe”

The swimmers lined up for the race

All hoping that they’d win first place

They made some headway

Before the delay

As a boat was in the wrong space

That wondering steer, he did pass

He is back home and chewing on grass

Another is loose

Not a sheep or goosed

But now on the run is an ass

An aquarium is letting you bid

On belugas that Canada rid

People picking the name

Is a dangerous game

They’ll get something like “Asshat” or “Shid”

‘Twas quite the odd task that they did

By testing some things off the grid

They took from the sea

Put in zero-G

What happens, in space, to a squid?

People just want to have hope

Some get it from booze or from dope

What does it for me

Is this pic, you see

Of Spider-man and the Pope

Now Tesla may be a bit fucked

As some drivers, from cars have been chucked

Cause robots were driving

Now people are dying

So Cali’s looking at misconduct

Do ETs exist? We don’t know

If so, they haven’t said “hello”

Some scientist’s thoughts

Think there’s good spots

For them to watch this shit show

Someone please make this guy a cake

For a year of jumping in the lake

Even through the cold

The stunt didn’t get old

Now next time he’ll have to raise the stake

There once was a bear in AZ

That climbed what he thought was a tree

The utility pole

S’where he ended his stroll

Made it down and now he runs free

This girl, for her dogs she did care

So she leapt on a whim and a prayer

Went in unarmed

And came out unharmed

Which is lucky when shoving a bear

Some jobs are for dogs and for cats

To which they are paid in soft pats

Now Magawa is done

But he had a good run

Now a legend among bomb-sniffing rats

To her ticket, she gave a quick toss

And considered the purchase a loss

But her friends held her trash

So she’d win the cash

For her, no more shopping at Ross

Some Ohioans are a bit slow

In getting their first vaccine dose

They came up with a plot

To get people their shot

With a chance at a nice wad of dough

A couple was digging a pool

When they came across something quite cool

While smashing through stones

They found really old bones

Which surely made their doggy drool

The Girl Scouts are peddling their treats

But this year, not using their feets

Traded their wagons for drones

To deliver to homes

But now In the sky, not the streets

GM’s making rovers for space

Ones they can park at the moon base

They’re keeping it green

With their new machine

But now the astronauts, they can race

With this couple now no longer alone

They decided to pick up the phone

The firemen came

What they saw, they did claim

In the chimney, a bunch of birds had all flown

Sometimes it takes all of your power

To think of your commute not so sour

But a cow and a gator

Made everyone later

By blocking the road in rush hour

Does the idea of neighbors sound vile?

The thought of seclusion makes you smile?

Well you might be in luck

You grouchy ol’ fuck

Because now you can buy your own isle

He reeled with a yank and a swish

She didn’t fight, like she had a death wish

While it may not have fought

They’re still lucky they caught

This monstrous, 100-year-old fish

Most can handle bad odors a bit

Like the smell of wet dog or armpit

But quite a few flocked

To get their nose rocked

By this flower that smells just like shit

From Camp Marmal, they’re trying to clear

And get home with their weapons and gear

But they hit a snag

With one major bag

And have to ship a shit ton of beer

In the dirt, it was buried and snug

But a mysterious thing they undug

They were afraid

It was a grenade

But turned out to be a butt plug

When a couple is having a child

Their celebration is usually mild

These two thought those were boring

Feared their guests would be snoring

So they blew some shit up, fuckin’ wild