Category: Original Content - Page 7

Something was wrong with their dryer

A repairman, they decided to hire

So he took a look

And found in the nook

A snake with a mouthful of wire

The shoppers have begun to admit

Crimes they’ve seen birds commit

As they head to their cars

They swoop from the stars

And the ravens are taking their shit

They’ve lived in their house for year

And wanted others to share in their cheer

To their neighbors, they write

After deciding to invite

Them all over for refreshing free beer

This week at the San Diego zoo

A man had a brain made of poo

This stupid fuck

Really tried his luck

As the elephants, he tried to pursue

This asshole is really a twit

Stealing money by pulling some skit

He’s done most of his time

But just couldn’t quit crime

So enjoy some more prison, ya shit

It’s so hard just being a teen,

Doing school and keeping your room clean,

But in a strive for perfection,

They rigged the election

All so she could be homecoming queen

The fire began burning and smoke

Poured out, finding people to choke

So this little girl

Gave the mattress a hurl

And jumped from the third floor, no joke

They promised to meet in a field

Equipped with a sword and a shield

Many Joshes contended

But soon the fight ended

So the fate of the best Josh was sealed

With a gun, he walked into the foyer

“It’s a fake!” said his old employer

He tried to play cool

But is truly a fool

As he now wants to be his own lawyer

A cookie is flying through space

But not one you’d put in your face

Not just some space junk

A planetary chunk

From truly an alien place

Remember that steer that got out?

In Rhode Island, he’s roaming about

He’s managed to evade

His death, he’s delayed

Let him go, he just wants to hang out

The food on his tummy, so teeny

Looking for a steak or linguini

But his hunger won

Seeing the dog in the bun

And stole a bite off of somebody’s weeny

Hartford officials were taking some notes

“Too much shit and not enough oats”

So they took them away

From their unpleasant stay

Now what to do with some 65 goats

To make some money, he couldn’t resist

Guess he thought they wouldn’t be missed

Some chainsaws he sold

Just like they were gold

So goodbye to his freedom, he kissed

As a part of the scientists’ staff

They discovered something worth a laugh

From one slug, you’ll get two

And all you have to do

Is take it and cut it in half

Tales like this are so often told

Using taxpayers money, so bold

Makes you ask why,

The FBI

Spent time just looking for gold

Some people might steal your boat,

Or even you fancy new coat,

But this fucking dope

Had something else in her scope

And took and painted her neighbors goat

In South Africa, a farm made for crocs

Just lost a bunch of their stocks

With hundreds on the loose

One could rightly deduce

That the reptiles had figured out locks

This Aussie had gotten quite bored

Some supplies, he started to hoard

Quarantine had it’s perk

With lots of time to work

Now he’s the cowboy of cardboard

A couple was driving around

When a pine tree was suddenly downed

The tree hit their ride

Luckily no one died

But their injuries surely abound

On his Twitter, Mark had to admit

Of graffiti on the rocks he had writ

Go so suck of Trump

You pathetic old grump

This Q-Anoner’s a real piece of shit

At a yard sale, an antique was sold

But its value had not been foretold

Some experts did say

It’s worth 500k

For that price, it had better be gold

A man standing handsome and lax,

In a jacket and freshly pressed slacks

You walk over to him,

Place your hand on his limb

It’s Don Draper but he’s made of wax

In Yosemite some skiers had skied,

In Yosemite, some skiers had skied,
But this time, a more dangerous deed
For if they fucked it up
In a cast, they’d wind up
And through a straw they would have to feed

Some reptiles are causing headaches

As they’re causing some minor outbreaks

Now the Florida commission’s

Against new admissions

So they’re restricting iguanas and snakes

No one knew if Brandy was alive

15 years, no one’d thought she’d survive

I’m sure she’d come home

From her lengthy roam

Maybe waiting until she could drive

In the basement of a UM library,

Lurked something so creepy and scary

So the crew, they flipped shit

Fearing they might get bit,

Twas spiders that made them so wary

In Israel, twas a bit of a spill

Killing things like turtles and krill

But the vets, they had found

That the mayo went down

Clearin’ oil much better than a pill

New recruits they were trying to groom

New recruits they were trying to groom,

By teaching them how to go “boom”

But they shit the bed

When they wound up dead

Maybe they should have done it on zoom

Twas a package that’d just been there sittin’s

So they put on their bomb proofing mittens

Expected some doom

But there was no boom

And found out the box was just kittens

Who says that chivalry’s dead?

This man was just looking ahead

Thought his life, he should spend

With his loving girlfriend

so stole a rare camel then fled

At first, this sounds like some joke

But some do dumb shit when they’re broke

Was this what Tony ate

When he said “they’re grrreeaat?”

Forty pounds of cornflakes and coke

In the seaside city, San Fran

Lived a stubborn and wealthy old man

He paid quite a lot

For his home, to re-plot

And the move went according to plan

A lady was out on a mission

To take care of a bod’ly emission

But the bear was quite crass

And bit her on the ass

In the most vulnerable position

A Turkish man with the name of Mirzan

Saw a bird struggling out on the lawn

So he fixed her wing

And for years she did cling

This man’s best friend is a swan

Arvy had gone for a flight

Took a swim and suffered frostbite

Brushed it off like an itch

Cuz he aint no bitch

But had some help to make him alright

A koala was the cause of a crash

Five cars piled up in a flash

someone pulled him from the road

And his life he owed

As payment, he fucked up her dash

He thought it was more than a fling

Said “a queen should be with her king”

But he’s quite the dumb fuck

As when the idea struck

He proposed with his other boo’s ring

Bill’s life had come to an end

Left all his cash to his friend

So the bank added up

What he left for the pup

5 mil’s a lot for one dog to spend

Some go to court for this or for that

Like speeding or parking or stealing a hat

But if you act polite

They’ll think you’re alright

But you’re fucked if your lawyer on Zoom is a cat

Texas issued an Amber Alert

“Overalls and a long striped shirt”

But things smelled fucky

As the suspect was “Chucky”

Twas a false alarm, no one was hurt

Bet you’ve heard of this unclothed male

Looks like he’s a real Chippendale

Three cheers, cuz he’s back

After a weekend, so whack

The Naked Cowboy’s no longer in jail

The Wheeler’s came up with a tale

One they thought couldn’t possibly fail

“Julie fell and then died,

No need to check inside”

Now Rodney could join her in jail

In Chicago, a man lost his flute

Blue line to O’Hare, was his route

Worth 22k

But he found it, hooray,

Once again, he can give it a toot

Most of his life, the steer had been pinned

And feared his life was coming to end

But he got away

And took down the highway

Now he’s roaming around Rhode Island

A chameleon can blend in with rocks,

With trees, and plants with green stalks

But this little guy

Is quite the small fry

But is bigger than most Trumpers cocks

A man was counting some sheep

And quickly, he fell fast asleep

“I can’t swallow,” he told

To the doctor, who pulled

His headphone, from his throat, really deep

At the Brookfield Zoo out in IL

Malena needed more than advil

Her hip being replaced

Is only one problem she faced

As now she needs cash for her bill

Some people, they tried to rebel

Saying the Dems would usher in hell

But some of them got caught

And thrown in jail to rot

Now they’re crying “boohoo” in their cell

His day had begun with a wreck

Two deer, with his car, he did deck

But a stroke of sheer luck

Came for the poor fuck

As he won a million dollar check