Tag: Animals

Pets, they can make perfect friends

They’ll love right up ‘til their ends

But some cats and dogs

Been replaced with hogs

And others that belong in pens

The school’s near forests and trees

Which is great at blocking the breeze

Raccoons live there too

And nobody knew

They’d infect the whole school with fleas

Some people just don’t have a clue

How you should act at the zoo

Just like this asshat

Who pestered the cat

And ended up with a boo-boo

Some people care for stray cats

With treats and kisses and pats

And feeding a duck

Is not gross as fuck

But it is when it’s 20 rats

This story comes from zoo in Berlin

Locked up in their cages, they’ve been

The monkeys got out

And wandered about

But have since been returned to their pen

Remember that steer that got out?

In Rhode Island, he’s roaming about

He’s managed to evade

His death, he’s delayed

Let him go, he just wants to hang out

At the Brookfield Zoo out in IL

Malena needed more than advil

Her hip being replaced

Is only one problem she faced

As now she needs cash for her bill

On the highway, it could have been struck

So the man got out of his truck

And to avoid any drama

Tried to calm the llama

But found that he was chill as fuck

The rodent emerged from its burl

Set its sights on an innocent girl

Attacked her right quick

The sneaky lil’ dick

So beware of this asshole-ish squirrel

The Sumatran is a dying breed

Zoo keepers encourage “the deed”

To the newborn that came

Kawi, is the name

Better than Bentleigh, or Jaxton, or Tweed

Everyone loves their cute pet

All the stress, it can help them forget

Over 200 Guineas

Is way too manys

Not to mention, all of their shet

A fan base, the turkey procured

Which truly is quite absurd

He was an asshole at times

And was charged for his crimes

So a death sentence, was giv’n to the bird

Joyful chipmunks carry nuts on their cheeks and play peekaboo
But they dig out holes in your garden; they come out of the blue
Having them around has its pros and cons
They’re so cute but they can destroy gardens and lawns
They gather as many acorns as they can for when the winter comes through

A naughty suspect, named Jack, appeared out of the blue
Jumping through the city; a lovely kangaroo
His owner didn’t shut the gate all the way
So Jack pushed it open and got away
But the police managed to capture him after they got a clue

A horny old trapper named Rex
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck
His dick never got stuck,
But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.

There once was a girl from New Haven
Whose pubic hair was not shaven.
But missing because
She slept without drawers
Within range of a nest building raven.

There once was a girl from Decatur
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew
The result of that screw,
Because after he laid her, he ate her.

There was a young lady of Worcester
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But ’twas only a dream
A lump in the mattress had goosed her.

Old mother hubbard
went to the cupboard
to get her poor dog a bone
but when she bent over
rover took over
and gave a bone of her own!

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think,
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!

Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke
Made love to a cow as a joke
He found pleasure divine
With this friendly bovine
Now they call him the old cowpoke!

The vicar of Santa Domingo
Said to the curate, “By jingo!
Blast women and boys,
I need some new joys!”
And he promptly fucked a flamingo.

There once was a man from Peru
Who was desperately hanging out for a screw.
He picked up a mole
And rammed home his pole
Then said, “Jesus, that was Long overdue.”

There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, “Screwing one thing i do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Llamas are numero uno!”

Linus pissed his kennel, to be sure,
At least he missed most of his fur.
I’m cranky, I tire
Heavily I respire
I’ll croak if much more I endure.

Gershwin enjoyed the caress
Of the cows that he kept and I guess
Out of all of the herd
Which he screwed he preferred
To be stuffing his porky in Bess.

There once was a dog named Linus;
He was a yippy thing – no shyness.
His kennel he wet
And started to fret
And woke me up with a pain in my sinus.

There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
Now his skeleton lies,
Under hot western skies,
The Puma had no sense of huma!

A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
“The height of my folly
Was diddling a collie –
But I got a nice price for the pups.”