Tag: sex

A classic: Alice [NSFW]
byu/DrMux inlimericks

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Breathed a tender young man from Australia
My darling, please let me unveilia,
And then, of, my own,
If you’ll kindly lie prone,
I’ll endeavor, my sweet, to impalia.

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There once was a girl of Siam
Who said to her lover, young Kiam,
“If you take me, of course,
You must do it by force
But, thank God, you’re stronger than I am.”

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I have a strange story to tell,
Of a woman who casts a mean spell.
Though men would undress her,
Not one could possess her,
And the last man to screw her’s not well.

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There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancey.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.

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A woman he tried not to covet,
Was horny and knew she would love it,
So taking a chance,
She wrote on her pants,
“Pull down here and you’ll see where to shove it!”

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There was a young lady of Wheeling,
Who professed to a lack of sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.

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A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, “Heavens above!
I know sex isn’t love,
But it’s such an entrancing facsimile.”

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An uptight young lady named Breerley
Who valued her morals too dearly
Had sex, so I hear,
Only once every year,
And she strained her vagina severely.

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There once was a couple surnamed Kelly
Who had to walk belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used wallpaper paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

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While Titian was mixing rose madder,
his model was posed on a ladder.
Her position to Titian
suggested fruition.
So he mounted the ladder and had her.

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There’ a starlet who’s still in her teens
Who’s adept at removing her jeans.
And in X-rated flicks
So accomplished with pricks
That she steals all the pictures’ obscenes.

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there was a young man from Bude

stood fingering his girl while they queued

a man in the front sniffed and said cunt

just like that right out loud, fucking rude

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There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine;
And at a quarter to ten it was in her.

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My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can’t fuck any more;
I’m covered with sweat,
And you haven’t come yet,
And my God, it’s a quarter to four!

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A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, “Heavens above!
I know sex isn’t love,
But it’s such an entrancing facsimile.”

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A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
When she clamored for more
Her young man became sore
And exclaimed “My name’s Simpson not Samson.”

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There was on old man called Tucker
Who was a randy old fucker.
He’d line up a chick
And pull out his dick,
Then tell the whole world that he’d fucked her!

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There once was a girl from Lahore
Who’d lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny,
she’d wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls to the core.

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There once was a man named Adair
That was fucking his bitch on the stairs
But the banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair

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There was a young man of kildare,
Who was having a girl in a chair,
At the sixtieth stroke
The bloody thing broke
And his rifle went off in the air.

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Said Old father William I’m humble,
And getting too old for a tumble,
But produce me a blonde,
And i’m still not beyond,
An attempt at an interesting fumble

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There once was a girl from Aboritzwith
Who used to take flour to the mill to bake crisps with,
But the miller’s son Jack,
laid her flat on her back,
and united the organs they pissed with.

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There once was a couple named Kelly

who took crazy glue for petroleum jelly

They started to fuck

But found they were stuck

And had to get around belly to belly

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There was a young girl from Madrid
who swore that she’d never been rid
along came a halion
with balls like a stallion
and rid her like Billy the Kid

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There once was a fellow named Mark
who spread a girls legs in the dark
He said “Now by thunder
it’s a natural wonder
I declare this a National Park.”

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There was a young girl from Penzance
Who boarded a bus in a trance
A passenger fucked her
And so’d the conductor
The driver shot off in his pants.

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There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, “Please stop plumbing,
I think someone’s coming!”
Said he, “Yes I know love, it’s me.”

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There once was a man named Pierre
He was fucking this bitch on the stair
But the banister broke,
In his thirty-third stroke
So he finished her off in mid-air

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There was a young lassie named Wainright
Who enjoyed the position that a dog might
over her shoulder she found
when she looked around
A whole new meaning for hindsight

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Young Caroline acts like a prude
But has thoughts which are crude;
Behind innocent eyes
Belie dampness of thighs
And the fact she’s been recently screwed.

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