These painters were doing their work

These painters were doing their work

A homeowner, this did quite irk

Cut the rope knife

Which threatened their life

Who does this shit? What a jerk!

A man from PA’s on defense

A man from PA’s on defense

After his tiny offense

He bought Mountain Dew

And then bid adieu

But was short by 43 cents

He took money he wasn’t due

He took money he wasn’t due

So nights in jail, he spent a few

But he ran the joint

So he made a point

To leave a nice, five-star review

This woman must have been deprived

This woman must have been deprived

And thought of a plan quite contrived

She changed the locks

Then kicked off her socks

And chilled before the cops arrived

Now this guy’s is really a twit

Now this guy’s is really a twit

By robbing a bank he just hit

He charged through the door

Just one day before

All hail the new king dipshit

He’d had more than a drink or two

He’d had more than a drink or two

Pulled over, a .08 he blew

The cops locked him up

But a plan he thought up

And taped a spare key to his shoe

The diamonds, this woman did spot

The diamonds, this woman did spot

So with her some pebbles she brought

The rocks, she tried to switch

In hopes of getting rich

Did she really think she’d not get caught?

In intelligence, there was a lack

In intelligence, there was a lack

Or maybe he was just on crack

His plan was bizarre

Cause he stole a car

Then got caught when selling it back

From restaurants, a man had been stealing 

From restaurants, a man had been stealing 

He squirmed on the floor, not the ceiling

Kept his body low 

So alarms didn’t blow

Now I hope he finds jail floors appealing

A man had been thrown in the clink

A man had been thrown in the clink

His release, just right on the brink

With his payment, he lied

And was sent back inside

For real, what did this fucker think?

This guy is a real shitty dude

This guy is a real shitty dude

And this move was truly quite crude

He got some citations

For killing crustaceans 

Spoiling thousands of bucks in seafood

In Thornton, crime filled the air

In Thornton, crime filled the air

Car break-ins gave quite the scare

They caught the felon

Not Roy or Helen

Instead, it was a dumbass bear

Some neighbors were having a spat

Some neighbors were having a spat

But Kevin wouldn’t leave it at that

His anger, a fire

He slashed her tire

And at the crime scene, his finger sat

He thought it was more than a fling

He thought it was more than a fling

Said “a queen should be with her king”

But he’s quite the dumb fuck

As when the idea struck

He proposed with his other boo’s ring

The Wheeler’s came up with a tale

The Wheeler’s came up with a tale

One they thought couldn’t possibly fail

“Julie fell and then died,

No need to check inside”

Now Rodney could join her in jail

This douche, he had stolen a ride

This douche, he had stolen a ride

But found a child sitting inside

This he could not ignore

And drove back to the store

Then the mother, he decided to chide

They tried to make off with their things

They tried to make off with their things

Like their watches, a necklace, and rings

Swish, wham, bang, and wooshes

The man swatted the douches

In style, he got in some good swings

From Home Depot, he stole quite a lot

From Home Depot, he stole quite a lot

Thirteen hundred in goods and what not

He’s a cop so you’d think

So low, he’d not sink

But surprise, asshole, you got caught

The break in was perfect, textbook

The break in was perfect, textbook

Not cash but a reptile they took

Their secret was blown

‘Cause they shoulda known

No one else sells lizards on Facebook