The tenant could not pay his debts
Vacating without some assets
The landlord showed up
To do a checkup
Instead found a houseful of pets
Category: Original Content
From restaurants, a man had been stealing
From restaurants, a man had been stealing
He squirmed on the floor, not the ceiling
Kept his body low
So alarms didn’t blow
Now I hope he finds jail floors appealing
The pothole had got quite shitty
The pothole had got quite shitty
But no one would pay the fee
Raymond found a fix
But not one with bricks
And in its place, he put a tree
They think this shit hole is nice
They think this shit hole is nice
Especially, given the price
As the inmates leave
Their own nests they weave
As the prison is now run by mice
As we split up our cottons and lace
As we split up our cottons and lace
Their own smells, astronauts, must embrace
But Tide will be to thank
If they can end the stank
And help them do their laundry in space
Two brothers, they hiked really high
Two brothers, they hiked really high
So between two tall peaks, they could tie
The old record, they beat
With this dangerous feat
Just get shit-faced like a normal guy
This guy has got quite the luck
This guy has got quite the luck
As gold, he truly has struck
He won thousands more
Where he’s won before
How can’t you envy this fuck?
The ticket went into her bag
The ticket went into her bag
When she won she didn’t brag
‘Cause she didn’t know
That she’d won the dough
Which would really have been quite a drag
With the cat, she was having some fun
With the cat, she was having some fun
Using the laser pointer on a gun
Things soon went awry
Her friend shot in the thigh
Just about a foot of his bun
From their reserve, the elephants fled
From their reserve, the elephants fled
300 miles, each other they’ve led
Being up to 5 tons
They are quite big ones
Thankfully no one’s has ended up dead
His car had maxed out his speed
His car had maxed out his speed
So he got stopped for his deed
During the infraction
He jumped into action
And saved him from choking on weed
In Europe, tensions did boil
In Europe, tensions did boil
So lawyers began to toil
Two chocolate hares
‘Swhat caused the affairs
And all of it over gold foil
Twitter really tried to stay cool
Twitter really tried to stay cool
By giving their users a new tool
It wasn’t desired
And Promptly backfired
If you use it you’re a fucking fool
She needed exposure, hands-on
She needed exposure, hands-on
So he gave her an apron to don
Fifteen years she stayed
Then offered a trade
A buck for the whole damn salon
Customs located a stash
Customs located a stash
Of eyelash after eyelash
But the FDA
Did have their say
And think they could cause quite a rash
Most birds gather pebbles and sticks
Most birds gather pebbles and sticks
And munch on some worms or some ticks
But before the flock split
They fucked up her shit
Who knew condors could be such dicks
In Florida, the pigeons did roam
In Florida, the pigeons did roam
Looking for their home sweet home
Landed on the highway
Decided they’re stray
Now eating trash and styrofoam
They thought they were quite clever folk
They thought they were quite clever folk
But now they’re just in jail and broke
They surely paid
For the cake they made
Their sweet treat was actually coke
A man from Wyoming got high
A man from Wyoming got high
On a substance he wanted to try
Then he called the cops
So they sent in their ops
Now to meth, he’ll have to say “bye”
For mayor, he wanted their pick
For mayor, he wanted their pick
So on stage, he gave his shtick
But soon interrupted
As chaos erupted
Because of a drone with a dick
Some people care for stray cats
Some people care for stray cats
With treats and kisses and pats
And feeding a duck
Is not gross as fuck
But it is when it’s 20 rats
A man had been thrown in the clink
A man had been thrown in the clink
His release, just right on the brink
With his payment, he lied
And was sent back inside
For real, what did this fucker think?
The pilot just took to sky
The pilot just took to sky
And spotted what looked like a guy
Who had on his back
Some sort of jetpack
He’ll be lucky if he doesn’t die
A woman was holding her pup
A woman was holding her pup
When she dropped it, it didn’t get up
Drove to cops, in her car
Who then gave CPR
Damn, that lady really fucked up
This beefalo’s caused quite the stir
This beefalo’s caused quite the stir
He refused his slaughter to occur
His life on the run
Is over and done
Down to Florida, they let him transfer
This isn’t just some wedding cake
This isn’t just some wedding cake
It’s a quite famous keepsake
Over 40-years-old
Probably filled with mold
Someone paid two grand for a tummy ache
A ten percent tip is okay
A ten percent tip is okay
“Twenty is great,” some will say
But an NH guest
Promised the best
And left a tip of 16k
He was learning to shoot chipmunks dead
He was learning to shoot chipmunks dead
But this little shot, he misread
They’ll need a band-aid
Since it ricocheted
And shot his uncle in the head
In Baton Rouge, there’s been an influx
In Baton Rouge, there’s been an influx
Of close to about 60 ducks
The city’s fretting
And find it upsetting
But the birds, they give zero fucks
In Philly, they’re having a race
In Philly, they’re having a race
With attire, a bit out of place
As tradition goes
You don’t have to wear clothes
With a mask just to cover your face
He was diving on his normal route
He was diving on his normal route
Just working as a lobster scout
Caught in a whale’s bite
He put up a fight
It surfaced and then spit him out
“Oh shit! My wallet, I lack!”
“Oh shit! My wallet, I lack!”
After checking her wallet and pack
For so long she yearned
And now it’s returned
But at this point, why want it back?
Everyone knows how drinking goes
Everyone knows how drinking goes
Couple drinks then you’re boxing pros
But these dudes went hard
And one will be scarred
As one chomped the other one’s nose
The dumpsters they gave a peruse
The dumpsters they gave a peruse
Looking for what trash to choose
This instance is odd
As this hungry squad
Is not raccoons but cockatoos
Souvenirs are post cards or hat
Souvenirs are postcards or hats
Or even a meaningful tat
They stole some land
A shit ton of sand
What the fuck would they do with all that?
A man, he was tearing down walls
A man, he was tearing down walls
And made out with quite some odd hauls
Now under his house
It wasn’t a mouse
But a shit ton of bowling balls
There was a deal for some land
There was a deal for some land
But it didn’t go over as planned
The mess did unfold
When the tower was sold
You know someone’s getting canned
Rich folk have been taking some notes
Rich folk have been taking some notes
Wanting to marry their yards and their boats
They paid their fee
Now in NYC,
Is this boujee-ass park that just floats
A sunbather let out a loud screech
A sunbather let out a loud screech
No one knows how there it did reach
It’s quite some weird shit
That the gator made it
From New Orleans to a Texas beach
To sell it quite high was their aim
To sell it quite high was their aim
So to an auction they came
With the final bill
At nearly 2 mil
All for a Mario game
This guy is a real shitty dude
This guy is a real shitty dude
And this move was truly quite crude
He got some citations
For killing crustaceans
Spoiling thousands of bucks in seafood
In Thornton, crime filled the air
In Thornton, crime filled the air
Car break-ins gave quite the scare
They caught the felon
Not Roy or Helen
Instead, it was a dumbass bear
A German was looking through trash
A German was looking through trash
Then noticed something in a flash
He found some old art
Grabbing it was smart
‘Cause those things are worth quite some cash
In Alaska, a pilot had flown
In Alaska, a pilot had flown
“SOS,” a man’s rooftop had shown
Got attacked by a bear
And got quite the scare
Said the dick wouldn’t leave him alone
He grabbed his coat and his keys
He grabbed his coat and his keys
To put his hunger at ease
He didn’t stay calm
And threatened a bomb
For not getting sauce at McD’s
The driver’s window was ajar
The driver’s window was ajar
Just listenin’ to some NPR
The bug must’ve thought
“Outside is quite hot”
It flew in and fucked up their car
These gardeners just want to know
These gardeners just want to know
About seeds and how they should sow
But Facebook’s upset
Thinking it’s a threat
Flipping shit about the word “hoe”
The swimmers lined up for the race
The swimmers lined up for the race
All hoping that they’d win first place
They made some headway
Before the delay
As a boat was in the wrong space
That wondering steer, he did pass
That wondering steer, he did pass
He is back home and chewing on grass
Another is loose
Not a sheep or goosed
But now on the run is an ass
An aquarium is letting you bid
An aquarium is letting you bid
On belugas that Canada rid
People picking the name
Is a dangerous game
They’ll get something like “Asshat” or “Shid”