Is this one the fourth or the fifth?
I’m done with this fucking myth
What once was rare
Is now ev’rywhere
Let’s just be done with the monolith
Category: Original Content
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you can now subscribe to the daily dirty limerick via email, just click through to the site, then at the bottom of every page you’ll find a subscription box. We’ll never send you anything but dirty, nasty limericks, usually based on some completely bonkers news story.
A man was meeting his dad
A man was meeting his dad
Excited, so happy and glad
To his surprise
In a festive disguise
As Buddy the Elf, he was clad
They are here and one day they’re gone
They are here and one day they’re gone
In the mountains or on someone’s lawn
But these assholes are taking
These things that are making
Us forget that this year’s just dragged on
The year was 1-8-4-3
The year was 1-8-4-3
All erecting their christmas tree
But people flipped shit
And threw a fit
That the kid joined in the holiday glee
The clown just can’t let things go
The clown just can’t let things go
And decided to put up some dough
He paid 3 mil
To end up with nil
Just concede, give the vict’ry to Joe
Remember that thing that was gray?
Remember that thing that was gray?
The metal that was on display?
The tall shiny prong
It didn’t last long
Assholes came and they took it away
This year has been so surreal
This year has been so surreal
Life has lost much of it’s zeal
But someone out there
Thought joy, they would share
With a big, shiny hunk of some steel
There once was a feline named Marty
There once was a feline named Marty
A weather fanatic, a smarty
He can no longer assist
And’ll be greatly missed
But he’ll always been in our heart-y
For office, these morons aren’t fit
For office, these morons aren’t fit
They are literally dumber than shit
But these douchebag turds
Have to have the last words
So they’re firing those who would quit
Some cash, a watch, a bottle of wine
Some cash, a watch, a bottle of wine
A bank or a home can be a gold mine
But they had their eyes
On a more unique prize
They fled the scene with a very rare pine
Have you ever wanted somethin’ so bad
Have you ever wanted somethin’ so bad
That you lied, just smidge or a tad?
Well she’s got ya beat
With such a dumb feat
But to claim FBI for some chicken’s just sad
At the museum, they were making their round
At the museum, they were making their round
But something was gone from the ground
Seen on the freeway
So I guess you could say
That Bigfoot has (kinda) been found
He went to a zoo in U.K.
He went to a zoo in U.K.
Where the penguins were out on display
And the ones that he took
He sold on Facebook
Dumbassery‘s in his DNA
A store front he crashed through, this dude
A store front he crashed through, this dude
For which he will probably be sued
Or a cell he’ll be bound in
Since he was found in
A retirement home in the nude
His boredom he was tryin’ to fix
His boredom he was tryin’ to fix
With the slides, the swings and picnics
The cops had their way
So they took him away
C’mon, just let him play, ya dicks
As COVID tears through the nation
As COVID tears through the nation
There’s no hint of any cessation
So dressing up as a clown
To give the rundown
Brings some “cuteness” to such devastation
It’s the left versus the right, blue against red
It’s the left versus the right, blue against red
The end is in sight, just the election ahead
But for Trump to refuse
The scientists’ views
Is one of the crazier things he has said…
You’d hope that people would be wiser
You’d hope that people would be wiser
But some need a full-time advisor
If to yellowstone yer goin’
It might be worth knowin’
Don’t try and cook dinner in the geyser
Quite the old coin found in Maine
Quite the old coin found in Maine
Such luck may not come again
But in metal detecting
There’s little connecting
Which makes dating all the more plain
Remember those assholes with guns?
Remember those assholes with guns?
The pricks on their lawn, yeah those ones
Now they’re looking to sue
For the attention they drew
But they deserve all the looks and the shuns
The parents of fourteen great sons
The parents of fourteen great sons
Her oven so active with buns
As rare as a pearl
They had a girl
So the fuckin’ there had to been tons
The people voted him out by the legions
The people voted him out by the legions
We did it all for most the same reasons
We knew they were dense
But this fuck up’s immense
What clown books the wrong Four Seasons?
The break in was perfect, textbook
The break in was perfect, textbook
Not cash but a reptile they took
Their secret was blown
‘Cause they shoulda known
No one else sells lizards on Facebook
On the lawn, the robot should stay
On the lawn, the robot should stay
Yet the thief did not see it this way
As the droid phoned his master
He couldn’t been faster
To scare the ol’ dickhead away
Fuck Donald Trump
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck You
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck You Times Two
Fuck Donald Trump
Right In His Rump
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck You
They came to the jail, by will or by warrant
They came to the jail, by will or by warrant
Some crimes were mild while others, abhorrent
But these jailers lacked empathy,
Even the Devil’d have sympathy
‘Cause that much “Baby Shark’ is just torment
They say to learn from others mistakes
They say to learn from others mistakes
It will surely save you headaches
What he thought was a fuck up
Soon turned his luck up
Cause it won him two mil in sweepstakes
As she came to the end of her lifespan
As she came to the end of her lifespan
She reflected on how it began
All she asked
Before she passed
Was please don’t vote for the orange man
In Norway, crime is quite bland
In Norway, crime is quite bland
Things rarely get out of hand
But by law, they are bound
So they had to impound
A scooter so “fast” that it’s banned
In florida, fish throwin’s an art
In florida, fish throwin’s an art
So when they cancelled, fans took it to heart
But amidst a pandemic
They’ll g’head with the gimmick
And yet we still consider humans to be “smart”
Everyone knows what McConnell’s about
Everyone knows what McConnell’s about
A shit brain, a pig, a GOP sellout
His hands, black and blue
Prove the rumors are true
He’s a zombie or ghoul, no doubt
We all can agree that this year’s been real hard
We all can agree that this year’s been real hard
Some will get through while others are scarred
But to tryna fund fracking
While COVID aid’s lacking
Is a punch in the face, a kick to the nard
“They attacked me,” these racists had claimed
“They attacked me,” these racists had claimed
And the victims were wrongfully blamed
But with this new act
These calls, they’ll detract
And couldn’t have been better named
A copper pulled over a trucker
A copper pulled over a trucker
Must’ve been a real dumbfucker
He said “It’s not mine, I swear”
‘Bout the meth in the spare
Have a nice time in jail, ya cocksucker
Brazil’s cops showed up with their gun-dies
Brazil’s cops showed up with their gun-dies
They were in search of government fund-ies
They found quite a bit
Some covered in shit
Because the perp hid some in his undies
The crab must have come from the shore-y
The crab must have come from the shore-y
Who knew it’d cause such an uproar-y
Yet it still made the news
Really quite the snooze
But the ones in her pubes, a different story
The auction was not short on exchange
The auction was not short on exchange
And the items, there was a wide range
The silver dollar, not gold
Somehow went unsold
Then again, who gives a fuck about change
Choice words the zoo birds were a-sharing
Choice words the zoo birds were a-sharing
Twas’ the parrots, not the eagles nor herring
“Fuck, dick, ass, and shit”
Thus they had to be split
Because they just wouldn’t stop swearing
Subway is not healthy they said
Subway is not healthy they said,
In irish court, the attorney had pled
They shit on the chain
Saying “the loaves, they contain
Too much sugar to constitute bread!”
In space you still have to dump swill
In space you still have to dump swill
And the last thing you want is a spill
NASA got thinkin’
‘Bout the squirtin’ and sprinklin’
Now their shitters cost 23 mil
In Bucharest, the election was nigh
In Bucharest, the election was nigh
The incumbent, he did reapply
He contracted COVID,
Yet voters still voted,
Now the village is run by a dead guy
Three sisters in Ohio
Three sisters in Ohio gave birth on the very same day
No one thought it could happen that way
Between a 4 and a half hour span
The babies were added to the clan
Odds of that happening were 1 in 50 million, a 1998 AP story did say
A man from Detroit
A man from Detroit became a lottery winner by mistake
He went to a gas station to put air in a tire and wanted change to take
He got a $10 ticket but the clerk gave him the $20 one
He kept it and ultimately he won
Something told him to keep it; there were $2 Million at stake
A Russian prankster
A Russian prankster posed as an U.N. chief
He reached to the Poland president but he kind of was in disbelief
He thought something wasn’t right
The troll sounded convincing but not quite
A pronunciation gave him away so the prank was brief
resident of the town of Albany
In 1994, a resident of the town of Albany suffered a burglary
A lot of things were stolen, including a Television and some armory
A resident had recently got the shotgun in his possession
But he didn’t steal it according to the investigation
All the things, including the shotgun were returned to their owner on its 26th anniversary
The Liberty County deputies
The Liberty County deputies in Georgia thought they had it under control
But the body they found on the railroads was that of a sex dole
When the Coroner arrived, they started to inspect
They checked the body; it was anatomically correct
They thought it was a human but it ended up being the work of a troll
Joyful chipmunks
Joyful chipmunks carry nuts on their cheeks and play peekaboo
But they dig out holes in your garden; they come out of the blue
Having them around has its pros and cons
They’re so cute but they can destroy gardens and lawns
They gather as many acorns as they can for when the winter comes through
A naughty suspect
A naughty suspect, named Jack, appeared out of the blue
Jumping through the city; a lovely kangaroo
His owner didn’t shut the gate all the way
So Jack pushed it open and got away
But the police managed to capture him after they got a clue
A dog named Cleo
A dog named Cleo went missing and it was a pity
But she showed up on her old house which was 50 miles away from Kansas City
Nobody knows how but she got her way
She went to a city that was many miles away
After a couple years she still remembers her old house; she’s really witty