There once was a local called Land

There once was a local called Land
Who had a quite limber right hand.
One night he screamed,
“That damn Vaseline,
Some bastard has mixed it with sand!”

There was a young man from Spartar

There was a young man from Spartar,
Who was an incredible farter.
At the strength of one bean,
He could play “God Save the Queen”,
And Beethoven’s “Moonlight Senata”.

The selection was tough, I admit.
He didn’t stutter one little bit.
He threw his arse aloft,
And he suddenly coughed.
And collapsed in a shower of shit!

There was a young lady at sea

There was a young lady at sea
Who said “Gosh, how it hurts me to pee.”
“I see,” said the mate,
“That accounts for the state
Of the Captain, the purser, and me.”

There once was a lady named Dot

There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pigshit and snot.
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat.

A businesslike harlot named Draper

A businesslike harlot named Draper
once tried an unusual caper.
What made it so nice
was you got it half-price
if you brought in her ad from the paper.

There once was a girl from Sidney

There once was a girl from Sidney
Who could take it right up to her kidney
But a guy from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck
He had a long one, now didn’t he.

There was a young lady named Rose

There was a young lady named Rose
Who’d occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux

There once was a man from Bombay

There once was a man from Bombay
who made a cunt out of clay
He stuck in his dick,
the thing turned to brick
and he scraped his foreskin away.

There once was a girl from Nantucket

There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who crossed the sea in a bucket,
And when she got there
They asked for a fare
So she pulled up her dress and said “FUCK IT!”