Category: Original Content - Page 11

There once was man named Richie

Who’s leg was really quite itchy

He searched for the answer

Turns out, it was cancer

And now we all call him “Stumpy”

POTUS

There once was a rich president
Who blew all his dollars and sense
He was so corrupt
Investigations did ‘rupt
It took 2 years to start impeachment

There once was a Gyno from Proctor.

A kind hearted, clumsy old doctor.

He reached for his target

But slipped on the carpet,

Inventing a move called ‘the shocker’.

Lenore

There once was a woman, Lenore

By accounts an old destitute whore

Her nether was stinking

so she got to thinking,

killed the wives now Lenore earns much more.

misanthropy

There once was a girl from Long Island

Whose thoughts were so tragically violent

As she watched the world turn

She begged it to burn

But always did so in silence

A girl whose father was a Miner

Her ass of which there was none finer

The men were all lazy

To tickle her daisy

The greatest donkey in all of China

Psychonaut

There once was a boy who tripped acid

An eternity his trip lasted

One dose led to ten doses

Ten doses led to psychosis

Now he spends his days screaming at plastic

These limericks keep falling short

Of the wit that made it a sport

You should try to eat

A double tasty treat

And prove me wrong with re-torte.

On meetings

Here I sit awaiting a meeting,

And I think that it bears repeating:

Fuck all will get done,

We’ll stay at square one.

Any hope of progress is fleeting.

Mondays

Tis Monday, the week starts anew,

And swiftly now we will eschew

All pretense of work.

Merrily we’ll shirk.

I give it one day, maybe two.

Defying gravity

There once was a woman named Lawless
Whose rack seemed impossibly flawless
When someone contended
She kept them suspended
She flashed ’em to prove she was braless

SOS

There once was an orange old man toddler

Who enjoyed having sex with his daughter

He was less than equipped

To steer the big ship

Now we’re all taking on water

A Lady from Wheeling

There once was a lady from Wheeling

Who said she had no sexual feeling

’til a young man named Boris

touched her clitoris

and she had to be scraped from the ceiling

The Martini

There once was a man named McSweeny

Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney

So just to be couth

He added vermouth

And slipped his girlfriend a martini

Winning Her Love

Big, brown eyes, hair long and thick
She’s the cutest girl a guy could pick
Her love would bring 
My heart to sing 
She needs to see this sweet dick pic!

Gotta Go!

“NO WATER” the sign did read
Oh damn did I feel the need
I had to go soon
To the little girls room
My bladder longed to be freed

The Question my friends should be
“To Pee or not to Pee”
As the time nears
It depends on the beers
And how many people will see

I put my training to the test
Cuz I can squat and Pee with the best
So I let ‘er rip
Finished with a zip
Walking out of the weeds with zest

Thank god it was night and not noon
Cuz to see this crazy ol’ loon
Would have caused most to say
As they turned away
Look mom, I saw a full MOON

A fine solution

An ugly old crone in a bonnet

Had a visage so foul you would vomit

So to spare the disgrace

Of exposing her face

She’d convince the old men to sit on it

Rocky Raccoon was pleasantly fat,

Rocky Raccoon was pleasantly fat,
Upon the road he merrily sat;
I came fast round the curve,
But despite my best swerve,
The trash panda is presently flat.

Thermodynamics

There once were some samples of gas

They all looked the same at first pass,

But one held a secret,

Though I thought I had sealed it,

It still leaked methane like my ass.

Kolkimber

There once was a man from Kolkimber

Whose dick was very long and limber

It was as big as a tree

and for safety, you see When his dick would go limp he’d yell TIMBER!!

There once was lad in from Morse

Who claimed to be hung like a horse,

He turned hoarse as he hung,

From ladders upper rung,

And his lover now stands in divorce

Batter up

A batter preparing to bunt

Chose instead to perform a cute stunt

Off the field to his right

He spied his ex-wife

And hit the ball right in her direction

There was an old lady from heeling,

who had a peculiar feeling,

she laid on her back,

opened her crack

and peed all over the ceiling

Gone fishing

A turbulent typhoon quite thick

Tossed the Pequod about like a stick

When the man in the crow’s

Shouted out “Thar she blows!”

Suddenly it was all hands on Dick

Cork

There once was a woman from Cork,

who dreaded her gift from the stork.

Her good friend from Bangor

suggested a hanger

or maybe an old salad fork.

In days before hypertext linking

All we did was a whole lot of clicking

All the pages were text

Getting one to the next

Was impossible- what were we thinking?

There once was a man named Sweeney

Who spilled some gin on his weenie.

Being quite couth,

he added vermouth,

And slipped his wife a martini.

There once was a lady named Alice

There once was a lady named Alice,
Who tried a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
in North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.

BoJo Brexit Limerick

“No-Deal“ means there’s less to administer!
Mumbled BoJo, the latest prime minister,
Let’s all say “Adieu!”
To that meddling EU,
And ignore that our future looks sinister!

Habañeros are not toys.

A pepper I chopped to the nub
Cooked with eggs for my breakfast grub
Then in a stall
I scratched at my balls
The burn eased when I teabagged my tub

The mad king

A king who was mad at the time,

Decreed Limerick writing a crime.

But late in the night,

All the poets would write,

Limericks that didn’t have any rhyme or meter

Captain Carter

There was a sea captain named Carter,
Who was a tremendous farter,
When the wind wouldn't blow,
And the ship wouldn't go,
Carter, the farter, would start her.

Ivanka, whose daddy is dotty,

Ivanka, whose daddy is dotty,
Is publicly, proudly pro-Saudi.
{No land holds a candle
To how they dismantle
Bad laws & a journalist’s body.)

How far can our @POTUS run

How far can our @POTUS run
From the truth that affects everyone?
The demon we face
Is not hard to trace
It’s an angry white man w/a gun

In [City], a young white male plots.

In [City], a young white male plots.
He goes to [Place], firing shots.
Now blood has been shed,
As [Number] are dead.
[Republican] says, “Prayers & thoughts.”

Sally-Jo

Sally-Jo was in court, she was claimin’
Phil had fathered her baby, named Daemon.
She said “I ought to know”
As she pointed below
“Cause this is the box that he came in”

The canner

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny,
“A canner can can
Anything that he can
But a canner can’t can a can, can he?”

There once was a girl named Savannah

There once was a girl named Savannah
Who smoked cock like she’s from Havana
Her cunt was so snug
’twas like getting a hug
and her tits were like peaks in Montana.

The pastor and the cat

There was a kind pastor I knew,

Who kept a large cat in a pew.

There he taught it each week

A new letter of Greek,

But it never got further than mu.

Australian Classic

While pig shooting out on the bogan

I came across a dirty great big pig grogan

It was long brown and thin

With leathery skin

It looked like fucking Paul Hogan

The man from Overton

A South English Overton man
Embarked on a dastardly plan
He planted his tackle
In a poor duck’s cloacal
And pounded its anus to sand

The woman from the Azores

There once was a a girl from the Azores
Whose gash was covered in sores
All the dogs in the street
They would eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers

There once was a lady from Ealing

There once was a lady from Ealing
Who had an incredible feeling
She lay on her back
Opened her crack
And pissed up all over the ceiling

Fromage

I frequently feel kind of sleazy

And oily and filthy and greasy

I wank and eat Cheetos

And Nacho Doritos

I guess that I’m easy for cheesy.

It Wasn’t For Pleasure Or Sexual Leisure

But To Get To The Cheese Underneath

Norway

There once was a man from Norway

Got his balls stuck in the doorway

As he greased up his sack

e yelled out “Stand back!

“This is just a part of my foreplay.”

Humpty Dumpty sat on a rock…

via

Pick-Me-Up

If you find yourself wanting to cry
And life feels like waiting to die
You don’t need hugs
You just need drugs
Try smack and Prozac to get by