“If only you’d show me”, I said,
“Just a smidgeon of interest in bed.
Just a smile? Just a sigh?
Just a touch on my thigh?
Just a … shit; I forgot you were dead.
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
There once was a man named McBass
There once was a man named McBass,
Who’s balls were made out of brass
He’d clang them together
In stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass.
There was a young lady from Kew
There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.
The 80-year-old accused of rape was called Mort,
The 80-year-old accused of rape was called Mort,
And the judge said, “Sir, you’ll have to be tried in court.”
But the jury was sympathetic,
Because Mort was sick, old, and pathetic,
And the evidence wouldn’t stand up in court.
There once was a man named Eugeene
There once was a man named Eugeene,
Who built a masturbation machine,
The damned thing broke
On the 14th stroke,
And whipped his balls to a cream.
There once was a girl named Hortence
There once was a girl named Hortence,
Whose breasts were very immense.
One day, while playing soccer,
Out popped her left knocker,
And she kicked it right over the fence.
A lovely young bride name of Kylie
A lovely young bride name of Kylie
Said, “Husband, I don’t rate you highly.
I have to confess
I prefer the caress
And the fucking of Father O’Reilly.”
My god! Do you call that a dress?
My god! Do you call that a dress?
The material couldn’t be less!
What there is, is so thin
And transparent; it’s a sin,
And causing me trouser distress.
There was a young lad from Bahrain
There was a young lad from Bahrain
Who prayed to the heavens for rain;
For he’d squirted his goo
All over his shoe
And he couldn’t get rid of the stain.