Tag: Alcohol

The crime they did try to decrease

By calling up the town police

When they got there

Found a man in a chair

Having his drink in fucking peace

This man went out for a drink

Had too many and needed a wink

He never came home

The woods friends did comb

Woke up, said “I’ll help them I think”

He’d had more than a drink or two

Pulled over, a .08 he blew

The cops locked him up

But a plan he thought up

And taped a spare key to his shoe

Everyone knows how drinking goes

Couple drinks then you’re boxing pros

But these dudes went hard

And one will be scarred

As one chomped the other one’s nose

From Camp Marmal, they’re trying to clear

And get home with their weapons and gear

But they hit a snag

With one major bag

And have to ship a shit ton of beer

Business wasn’t booming last year

Some reassessing their chosen career

But Fuechschen persuaded

Some goods to be traded

To make bread to help sell their beer

They’ve lived in their house for year

And wanted others to share in their cheer

To their neighbors, they write

After deciding to invite

Them all over for refreshing free beer

People love the fancy and fine

Like cheeses and grapes from the vine

But now that these pricks

Added this to the mix

Some’ll be too good for earth wine

We all do dumb shit when we’re drunk

Like gambling or trying to dunk

But this guy stole a sword

Then his guilt, he ignored

40 years ‘fore he returned it, the punk

We’ve all half-assed our jobs, just a bit

Maybe more than we’d like to admit

To have a whole operation

At the sewage station

Prob’ly makes wine just taste like shit

Customers can be flat out rude

Someone’s always in a pissy mood

But this guy was sincere

Tipped 3k on a beer

Cause he is just one awesome dude

The Martini

There once was a man named McSweeny

Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney

So just to be couth

He added vermouth

And slipped his girlfriend a martini

There once was a man named Sweeney

Who spilled some gin on his weenie.

Being quite couth,

he added vermouth,

And slipped his wife a martini.

There once was a lady Annheiuser

There once was a lady Annheiuser
Who claimed that no man could surprise her
But Pabst took a chance
found a Schlitz in his pants
and now, she is sadder… Budweiser

In the check out at the food store

In the check out at the food store
a nun was advising the poor:
“Hey you up in front!
That’s too many items you cunt!
And they won’t take food stamps for beer ya dumb whore.”

There once was a man named McSweeny

There once was a man named McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be Couth
He added some Vermouth
And slipped his chick a Martini!

There once was a barmaid named Gale

There once was a barmaid named Gale
On whose breasts was the menu for ale
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille.

There once was a young barmaid from Wales

There once was a young barmaid from Wales
On her breasts were written the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
The prices were tatooed in braille

There was a young man named Sweeny

There was a young man named Sweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
He thought this uncouth,
So he added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.