Category: Original Content - Page 9

The cops have saved cats and some dogs

The cops have saved cats and some dogs,

They’ve even saved rodents and frogs

But this one is new

For the cops in Peru

They can add wallaroo to their logs

People say that the ending is nigh

As meteors fall from the sky

It must be too much fun

Seeing us flail as we run

For fuck’s sake, just please let us die

Robots are groovin’ and dancing around

So fun to watch them really get down

But when they rise up

And our homes, they blow up

Your smile will turn to a sad, little frown

They tried to make off with their things

Like their watches, a necklace, and rings

Swish, wham, bang, and wooshes

The man swatted the douches

In style, he got in some good swings

A cop was out on his beat,

Saw a family that was tryin’ to eat

Thought “It’s Christmas time”

As he witnessed the crime

And paid for their groceries, how neat

In Berlin, the Danish Mayflies

Won such an illustrious prize

But their lives are bleak

As they’re dead in a week

Cause it’s born, then fucks, and then dies

Customers can be flat out rude

Someone’s always in a pissy mood

But this guy was sincere

Tipped 3k on a beer

Cause he is just one awesome dude

If you ever feel bitter

Or feel a lack of glitter

Don’t have a doubt

check us out:

DIrtyLimericks is now on Twitter

Florida men get a really bad wrap

Usually taking drugs or some crap

But this guy is good

And did what he could

Saved his pup from a gators death snap

At college, you made your debut

A career, you wished to pursue

Homework, you half-assed

But you pushed through and passed

Still, at 12 this kid’s smarter than you

Since the moment the first story aired

Everyone felt so unprepared

So they panic bought

All the Charmin and Scott

I guess people shit more when they’re scared

Florida usually feels like a sauna

Which is great for the flora and fauna

“It’s gonna get cold”

The forecast foretold

From the trees, may be a falling iguana

A man saw a flipped car so he acted quick

Checked for scrapes, and bruises or any small nick

To help him, he tried

Then the douche stole his ride

They should send him to jail just for being a dick

You remember these dumb fucking folks?

In charge of the “balloon boy” hoax?

They got a month of detention

For the attempt at attention

And for the rest of their lives they’ll be jokes

Those birds can be found all over the city

Eating trash, leftovers, and anything gritty

Now you mean to say

That people will pay

A high price for something gross and so shitty?

So brightly, his Christmas cheers shine

His gimmick was one of a kind

Dressed as St. Nick

His plan failed quite quick

As he landed in a live power line

Snow on the ground like the North Pole-uh

Which makes cars kinda hard to control-uh

But if you get a good deal

On a sick snow mobile

Do NOT put it on top your Corolla

The monolith thing’s overdone

But this one was so much more fun

The towering sugar and Crisco

Appeared in San Francisco

And the gingerbread baked in the sun

This year has been a real chore

Worse than anyone could’ve asked for

But one little fam

They got to cram

And spent the night in a toy store

“I’ll win again” the president gloated

Like the rest she was so devoted

The bun she was baking

Nine months in the making

Had to wait until after she voted

This year has truly been whack

And good times, there is quite a lack

But it’s looking up

Cause Mac’s cooking up

And they’re bringing McRibs fucking back!

A sweet Mustang, the python had eyed

So swiftly he squirmed right inside

They had the galls

To bust his snake balls

When he really just needed a ride

A fan base, the turkey procured

Which truly is quite absurd

He was an asshole at times

And was charged for his crimes

So a death sentence, was giv’n to the bird

From Home Depot, he stole quite a lot

Thirteen hundred in goods and what not

He’s a cop so you’d think

So low, he’d not sink

But surprise, asshole, you got caught

His actions, unruly and sus

The chaos, it caused quite a fuss

This asshole should have known

That in jail he’d be thrown

For shooting a flamethrower off of a bus

The dinosaurs, the meteor was blighting

And the earth prepared for igniting

But if the world was ending

I know how I’d be spending

My time, I’m not sure they were fighting 😉

Some smuggle in weed or meth or blow

Just lookin’ for some extra dough

But it’s pretty numbing

They did not see it coming

It’s hard to hide ten whole tons of tobacco

The man saw that his chances were slim

But he proved he was so much more dim

He took to the lake

Then faced his mistake

And remembered he could not even swim

The internet composed a list

Of words that make some tongues twist

Kamala, Nevada, Fauci

Just to name three

So many dumbasses live in our midst

Is this one the fourth or the fifth?

I’m done with this fucking myth

What once was rare

Is now ev’rywhere

Let’s just be done with the monolith

Don’t want to visit the site?

Don’t want to visit the site

Every day and night?

Well now you can

If you’re a fan

Get an e-mail to excite!

—

you can now subscribe to the daily dirty limerick via email, just click through to the site, then at the bottom of every page you’ll find a subscription box. We’ll never send you anything but dirty, nasty limericks, usually based on some completely bonkers news story.

A man was meeting his dad

Excited, so happy and glad

To his surprise

In a festive disguise

As Buddy the Elf, he was clad

They are here and one day they’re gone

In the mountains or on someone’s lawn

But these assholes are taking

These things that are making

Us forget that this year’s just dragged on

The year was 1-8-4-3

All erecting their christmas tree

But people flipped shit

And threw a fit

That the kid joined in the holiday glee

The clown just can’t let things go

And decided to put up some dough

He paid 3 mil

To end up with nil

Just concede, give the vict’ry to Joe

Remember that thing that was gray?

The metal that was on display?

The tall shiny prong

It didn’t last long

Assholes came and they took it away

This year has been so surreal

Life has lost much of it’s zeal

But someone out there

Thought joy, they would share

With a big, shiny hunk of some steel

There once was a feline named Marty

A weather fanatic, a smarty

He can no longer assist

And’ll be greatly missed

But he’ll always been in our heart-y

For office, these morons aren’t fit

They are literally dumber than shit

But these douchebag turds

Have to have the last words

So they’re firing those who would quit

Some cash, a watch, a bottle of wine

A bank or a home can be a gold mine

But they had their eyes

On a more unique prize

They fled the scene with a very rare pine

Have you ever wanted somethin’ so bad

That you lied, just smidge or a tad?

Well she’s got ya beat

With such a dumb feat

But to claim FBI for some chicken’s just sad

At the museum, they were making their round

But something was gone from the ground

Seen on the freeway

So I guess you could say

That Bigfoot has (kinda) been found

He went to a zoo in U.K.

Where the penguins were out on display

And the ones that he took

He sold on Facebook

Dumbassery‘s in his DNA

A store front he crashed through, this dude

For which he will probably be sued

Or a cell he’ll be bound in

Since he was found in

A retirement home in the nude

His boredom he was tryin’ to fix

With the slides, the swings and picnics

The cops had their way

So they took him away

C’mon, just let him play, ya dicks

As COVID tears through the nation

There’s no hint of any cessation

So dressing up as a clown

To give the rundown

Brings some “cuteness” to such devastation

It’s the left versus the right, blue against red

The end is in sight, just the election ahead

But for Trump to refuse

The scientists’ views

Is one of the crazier things he has said…

You’d hope that people would be wiser

But some need a full-time advisor

If to yellowstone yer goin’

It might be worth knowin’

Don’t try and cook dinner in the geyser

Quite the old coin found in Maine

Such luck may not come again

But in metal detecting

There’s little connecting

Which makes dating all the more plain

Remember those assholes with guns?

The pricks on their lawn, yeah those ones

Now they’re looking to sue

For the attention they drew

But they deserve all the looks and the shuns