There once was a man named Dave,

There once was a man named Dave,
Who found a dead whore in a Cave,
Ugly as Shit and only one tit,
but think of the money he’d save.

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There once was a hermit named Dave

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
She was missing a tit.
She smelled like shit.
But think of the money he saved!

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A mortician who practiced in Fife

A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
“How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, dinna budge,
Just the same as she acted in life.”

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“If only you’d show me”, I said

“If only you’d show me”, I said,
“Just a smidgeon of interest in bed.
Just a smile? Just a sigh?
Just a touch on my thigh?
Just a … shit; I forgot you were dead.

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There once was a man named Dave

There once was a man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
Oh what the hell,
I’ll get used to the smell.
And think of the money I’ll save.

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There was a young sailor called Dave

There was a young sailor called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
It took him some pluck
To have a cold fuck
But think of the money he saved!

That’s no way to behave

That’s no way to behave;
Why, your mother would turn in her grave
Yes, she might;
Though I turn her each night
Seeking fresh bits to screw and save.


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