Keep it Dirty!
There was a young man from Spartar,
Who was an incredible farter.
At the strength of one bean,
He could play “God Save the Queen”,
And Beethoven’s “Moonlight Senata”.
The selection was tough, I admit.
He didn’t stutter one little bit.
He threw his arse aloft,
And he suddenly coughed.
And collapsed in a shower of shit!
There was a young lady at sea
Who said “Gosh, how it hurts me to pee.”
“I see,” said the mate,
“That accounts for the state
Of the Captain, the purser, and me.”
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pigshit and snot.
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat.
A businesslike harlot named Draper
once tried an unusual caper.
What made it so nice
was you got it half-price
if you brought in her ad from the paper.
There once was a girl from Sidney
Who could take it right up to her kidney
But a guy from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck
He had a long one, now didn’t he.
There was a young lady named Rose
Who’d occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux
There once was a man from Bombay
who made a cunt out of clay
He stuck in his dick,
the thing turned to brick
and he scraped his foreskin away.
There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who crossed the sea in a bucket,
And when she got there
They asked for a fare
So she pulled up her dress and said “FUCK IT!”
There one was a man named Magruder,
Who lived with a stripper and whooed her,
She said it was rude, to get whooed in the nude,
So Magruder got ruder, and screwed ‘er!
A horny young sailor named Clark
picked up a slut in a park.
She was ugly and crude
and a horror when nude,
but she was good for a spell in the dark.
There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth, her vagina
Her clitoris huge
she covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor
There once was a young barmaid from Wales
On her breasts were written the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
The prices were tatooed in braille
There was a young lady at sea
Who said “Gosh, how it hurts me to pee.”
“I see,” said the mate,
“That accounts for the state
Of the Captain, the purser, and me.”
There once was a man from Winsocket,
Who rode down the street on a rocket.
The force of the blast
blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
My penis, dear girl, is so small;
It’s the size of an atom, that’s all.
But an atom’s main mission
Is fusion and fission
And BANG!! I shall leave you in thrall.
There was a young man from Montrose
Who had a wet dream I suppose.
The landlady said,
As she changed his bed,
“This didn’t come out of his nose.”
There once was a man from Bombay
Who raped an ape in the hay.
The result was most horrid,
All asshole and no forehead
Eight balls and a purple toupee!
There once was a man from Belgras
Who had balls made out of glass
On hot sunny days
They focused the sun’s rays
And burned all the hair off his ass
Helen Keller’s pussy grew tight,
Masturbating alone late at night,
She rubbed that hot gland,
With just her left hand,
And silently moaned with her right.
A spiritual healer named Lee
Ducked into the alley to pee
He pissed in the eye
Of this blind homeless guy
Who screamed “Holy shit! I can see!”
There once was a girl from Nantucket
whose pussy was big as a bucket
I put my dick in
and said with a grin
I’m gonna need a fence post to fuck it
They say truth is stranger than fiction,
and slickness is rarer than friction
With Clinton we’ve found
the rules upside down–
especially with language and diction.
The latest political treatise,
American Rhapsody teases
And generates laughter
because the last chapter
proclaims Clinton talks with his penis.
Bill’s heated reaction was fleeting
when he got his gene-mapping readings
‘Cause his genes present
a brand-new defense
against his disbarment proceedings.
And in his disbarment proceedings,
this brand new defense will be pleaded
His lips will not move,
and that’s how he’ll prove
the lies were all told by his penis.
The judge in such case must be awesome
to measure such jetsam and flotsam.
That must be why
when this case is tried,
the judge in the case is a Johnson.
There once was a lad named Cass
Whose balls were made of brass
In stormy weather
They’d bang together
And lightning would shoot out of his ass
There once was a man from Bombay
who fashioned a cunt out of clay
but the heat from his prick
turned it to a brick
and chafed all his foreskin away.
There once was a lady from Exeter
so pretty that men craned their necks at her
one was even so brave
as to pull out and wave
the destinguishing mark of his sex at her.
A man took some shit from his wife
’bout the lack of good sex in their life
By way of apology
He whipped out mahogany
And her asscrack was soon in great strife!
A frustrated factory slave
Tried to have sex with a lathe
But his bold penile pup
Was quickly chopped up
And entombed in a cold metal grave.
There once was a girl named Screw Ma’lue
She went out west to find her fricken best
When she fucked, she fucked for keeps
Laid her victims up in heaps
But in this town named Bad-Ass Crete
There lived a half-assed bastard named Piss-Pot Pete
With snot in his beard and shit on his feet
He had twenty-six pounds of swinging meat
Well Screw Ma’lue had met her fate
Turning back was much to late
Until this date today
Her drawers hang in the town’s cafe
There was a man from Mars
he had Balls made of Brass
In rough sea weather
they short circuited together
and sparks came out of his Arse
There once was a man named Jim,
Who downloaded porn on a whim,
He infected his ‘puta
While jerkin’ his shoota,
And turned his brain from bright to dim.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
who had a dick so long he could suck it.
He’d say with a grin, as he wiped off his chin, ” If my ear was a pussy, I’d fuck it!!!”
There was an old man from Leeds
who swallowed a packet of seeds
blades of grass
grew out of his arse
and his bollocks were covered in weeds.
There once was a lady named Sue,
Who never knew quite what to do.
When presented, by chance
with a man without pants,
“A blow job, or do I just screw?”
There once was a man from Tulare,
Who got chewing gum stuck in his nut hair.
He said I’ll just shave my sack,
Cause it will all right grow back,
Or wax it like a porn star and go bare.
There once was a man from Tulare,
Who got chewing gum stuck in his nut hair.
He said I’ll just shave my sack,
Cause it will all right grow back,
Or wax it like a porn star and go bare.
There once was a woman named Jane,
Who often was pulling a train,
When it was shoved in her caboose,
Without any juice,
She screamed and she hollered in pain.
There was an old hooker named Chariff,
Who let out a monstrous queef.
With the grace of a swan,
She said to her John,
“Does anyone else smell roast beef?”
Said a pretty young whore from Hong Kong
To a long pronged patron named Wong,
“They say my vagina,
The nicest in China;
Don’t ruin it by doing it wrong.”
There once was a lady named Lucky,
Who used dynamite to give herself fucky.
They found her vagina
in North Carolina,
And one of her tits in Kentucky.
There was a young gypsy girl Rose
Who obessed for gentlemens’ hose
Up her pussy, And her rear,
In her mouth and each ear
And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.
There once was a woman named Jess
Bisexual, she would confess
She loved a good dick
but pussy she’d lick
and leave both a wet gooey mess
There once was girl from DeVries,
Who had pussy hair down to her knees,
It was fine to shine brass,
Or for wiping her ass,
And the crabs used it for a trapeze.
Hey lover, my precious, come in!
Yes my wife has now gone. Let’s begin
By removing your … ah,
You’ve no panties or bra;
Why, you’re wearing naught else but a grin!
An Australian farmer called Blue
Had a twenty foot didgeridoo.
They say that he slept
With the sheep that he kept
And he didgeridid them all too.
I once had a blog entry, so clever,
But now I’m at the end of my tether.
Because it’s turned crass
And a pain in the ass
So now I’m locking it forever.
Joe Biden told bodacious big lies;
“I’m known for my pecker’s huge size.
I showed it to George Bush;
He took it up the tush;
And at the county fair it won the first prize.”
A smart lumberjack named Reeses
was tired of having long feces.
He squat on the bog
and pinched off a log
and sawed the turd into pieces.
there once was a man named casse
whose balls were made of spun glass
he’d cling them together
and play stormy weather
while lightening shot out of his ass
A lady who had grown very plumpish,
Thought a short skirt made her look slightly frumpish.
She mused, “What a danger
That I might show a stranger
That my drawers no longer cover my rumpish.”
there once was a man from Bengahal
who liked to perform in a hall
his favorite trick
was to stand on his dick
and roll off the stage on one ball