A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
“How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, dinna budge,
Just the same as she acted in life.”
Category: Original Content
I know a tall Sunday school teacher
I know a tall Sunday school teacher,
Who wanted to screw the short preacher.
She flashed him some thigh,
But her pussy seemed high,
So he stood on a chair just to reach her.
A strange young fellow from Leeds
A strange young fellow from Leeds
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass
Sprouted out of his ass
And his balls were covered with weeds.
There once was a man from Cheyenne
There once was a man from Cheyenne
Of women, he was a fan
But they thought “Damn he’s fat!”
“I’m not touching that!”
So he had to rely on his hand.
There was a young lady of Worcester
There was a young lady of Worcester
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But ’twas only a dream
A lump in the mattress had goosed her.
There was a young fellow named Fritz
There was a young fellow named Fritz
Who planted an acre of tits.
They came up in the fall,
Pink nipples and all,
And he chewed them all up into bits.
She had sat in a pretty green patch
She had sat in a pretty green patch,
But now found herself having to scratch.
Poison ivy she’s got,
And she’s itching a lot,
Right down there and real close to her snatch.
I have a strange story to tell
I have a strange story to tell,
Of a woman who casts a mean spell.
Though men would undress her,
Not one could possess her,
And the last man to screw her’s not well.
There was an old count of Swoboda
There was an old count of Swoboda
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
So, with great savoir-faire,
She stood on a chair
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
A foreman who’s known to be rude
A foreman who’s known to be rude,
Said something a worker thought lewd.
Though red in the face,
She’s got a court case,
So it’s his ass that’s going to be screwed.
I wonder what Christmas will be
I wonder what Christmas will be,
No merriment, good cheer or glee.
Now that Santa’s arrested,
Because someone protested,
That he laid some doll under their tree.
There once was an old man named Fletcher
There once was an old man named Fletcher,
Well known as a terrible lecher.
A kiss he would steal,
And he’d cop a good feel,
From a woman if he could just catch her.
Grandpa’s dick is undoubtedly fickle
Grandpa’s dick is undoubtedly fickle,
Like a typical shriveled old pickle,
For whenever he
Feels that urge to pee,
The most that comes out is a trickle.
There once was a young man named Jack
There once was a young man named Jack,
Who loved jumping into the sack.
For there was his wife,
The love of his life,
Aroused, with legs spread, on her back.
There once was a woman named Nancy
There once was a woman named Nancy,
Who waltzed with a man they called Clancey.
Soon after the dance,
He pulled down her silk pants,
Proceeding to tickle her fancy.
There once was a young masturbator,
There once was a young masturbator,
Who bought an electric vibrator.
She lost it inside,
But the reason she died,
Was its faulty speed regulator.
There once was a grown man named Roy
There once was a grown man named Roy,
Who as a young innocent boy,
Discovered his peter,
And thought it much neater,
Than books or a game or a toy.
An indiscrete deacon named Fred
An indiscrete deacon named Fred,
Coaxed the minister’s wife into bed.
She seductively posed,
With her blessings exposed,
Thank God for this heavenly spread.
A certain sweet girl from Key West
A certain sweet girl from Key West
Was uncommonly large in the chest.
Any man’s close attention
To her outside dimension
Brought his own measurement to its best.
The last time I dined with the King
The last time I dined with the King
He did quite a curious thing.
He sat on a stool
And took out his tool
And said, “If I play will you sing?”
There once was a man from Van Isle
There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn’t his style.
“I’ll get my workouts,” he said,
“At home, in my bed,
‘Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!”
A woman he tried not to covet
A woman he tried not to covet,
Was horny and knew she would love it,
So taking a chance,
She wrote on her pants,
“Pull down here and you’ll see where to shove it!”
Old mother hubbard
Old mother hubbard
went to the cupboard
to get her poor dog a bone
but when she bent over
rover took over
and gave a bone of her own!
In the check out at the food store
In the check out at the food store
a nun was advising the poor:
“Hey you up in front!
That’s too many items you cunt!
And they won’t take food stamps for beer ya dumb whore.”
There was a young lady from Bath
There was a young lady from Bath
Who wasn’t very good at math
She had sex under a tree
later said “Woe is me”
1 plus 1 isn’t 2, it equals 3
Oh,the air did turn green
Oh,the air did turn green
When a fart came from the queen!
The court sat aghast
At the royal blast,
But stood and sang “God save the queen!”
A psychiatrist and a proctologist from Stutts
A psychiatrist and a proctologist from Stutts
Did really show some pure guts.
They put up a sign
At 4th Street and Vine.
That read we treat nuts and butts!
There was a young lady from Exeter
There was a young lady from Exeter
So pretty the men strained their necks at her
But one was so brave
To pull out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
There was an old man from LaFarge
There was an old man from LaFarge
Whose balls grew exceedingly large
But his tee-tiny scrotum
Just couldn’t quite tote ’em
Now he sails them around on a barge.
She asked him “Please don’t ever quit,”
She asked him “Please don’t ever quit,”
As he sucked on her supple left tit,
And with talented mouth,
He headed down south,
And finished her lickety split.
There was a young man of the land
There was a young man of the land
Whose sex life had grown quite bland
He wanted a change
So the next time he came
He used his other hand.
There was a young man named McAmiter
There was a young man named McAmiter
Who had a tool of prodigious diameter.
What gave the girls surprise
Was not his size,
But his rhythm, iambic pentameter.
There was a young athlete named Grimmon
There was a young athlete named Grimmon
Who developed a new way of swimmin’.
By a marvelous trick
He would scull with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.
There was a young lady of Wheeling
There was a young lady of Wheeling,
Who professed to a lack of sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.
A virginal coed named Sherrie
A virginal coed named Sherrie,
Awoke in the morning quite merry.
After cocktails last night,
To her utter delight,
She gave up her status as “cherry.”
There was a young Scotchman named Jock
There was a young Scotchman named Jock
Who had a most horrible shock:
He once took a shit
In a leaf-covered pit,
And the crap sprung a trap on his cock.
Meat-rationing did not terrify Miss Davey,
Meat-rationing did not terrify Miss Davey,
She got married to a sailor in the Navy,
For she knew between his legs
He had ham and he had eggs,
A big weenie, and oodles of white gravy.
There was a young man from the Coast
There was a young man from the Coast
Who had an affair with a ghost.
At the height of orgasm
Said the pallid phantasm,
“I think I can feel it, almost!”
A remarkable race are the Persians
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
The was a man named Sir Lancelot
The was a man named Sir Lancelot
Who went to parties and danced a lot
When making a pass
At a young pretty lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot!
Sweet Mary the Celibate
Sweet Mary wanted to stay celibate
for a man with wealth and intelligence
She ran from the alter
For balls like Gibraltar
On a dimwit hung like an elephant
A wanton young lady from Wimley
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, “Heavens above!
I know sex isn’t love,
But it’s such an entrancing facsimile.”
The Man From Madras
There once was a man from Madras
with balls made of flint and brass
On his wife he was rocking
And his balls were knocking
and lightning shot out of his ass.
A mathematician named Hall
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker’s, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call..
Two men from Kuala Lampur
Two men from Kuala Lampur
Buggered and fucked the same whore
‘Till the partition it split
And the jism and shit
Rolled out in great mounds on the floor.
There was a young man from St. Paul’s
There was a young man from St. Paul’s
Who read Harper’s Bazaar and McCall’s
Till he grew such a passion
For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.
A pretty young maiden from France
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she’d “just take a chance.”
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
I heard that she would never say no
I heard that she would never say no
Just 10 bucks for a blow.
But when down on her knees
I said, “Oh baby please
Move up, you’re too low, that’s my toe!”
There once was a man from Racine (#2)
There once was a man from Racine
Who invented a loving machine.
Both concave and convex,
It could serve either sex,
Entertaining itself in between!
(But oh what a bastard to clean!)
An uptight young lady named Breerley
An uptight young lady named Breerley
Who valued her morals too dearly
Had sex, so I hear,
Only once every year,
And she strained her vagina severely.