A nudist by the name of Roger Peet
Loved to dance in the snow and the sleet,
But one chilly December
He froze every member,
And retired to a monkish retreat.
Category: Original Content
There was a young girl from Madrid
There was a young girl from Madrid
who swore that she’d never been rid
along came a halion
with balls like a stallion
and rid her like Billy the Kid
There was a young man from Darjeelin
There was a young man from Darjeelin
who got on a train board for Ealing
it said on the door
don’t come on the floor
so he carefully came on the ceiling
A Man from Racine
There once was a man from Racine
Who invented a fucking-machine.
Concave or convex, it could do either sex,
But boy was it a bugger to clean.
They switched to the topic of sex
They switched to the topic of sex,
which left them both quickly perplexed
’cause she was still virgin,
and and he stunk like sturgeon,
and both were as old as a t-rex.
There once was a lad from Helsinki
There once was a lad from Helsinki
Whose prick was the size of a Twinkie
Said a whore, “For a shilling
I’ll suck out the cream filling,
But we can’t fuck ’cause your thing’s too dinky.”
Said a boy to a girl from Beirut
Said a boy to a girl from Beirut,
“I’ve had none better looking than you.
But don’t be quick to boast
For your cunt’s dry as toast
And it smells like an old dirty shoe.”
One drowsy old Countess of Florage
One drowsy old Countess of Florage
Would keep her mouth open for snorage
The Count still had fun
And when he was done
She had swallowed a bit of his porridge
Bude (Cornwall, England)
There was a young lady of Bude
Who went for a swim in the nude
But a man came along
And unless I am wrong
YOU thought the last line would be RUDE.
.
(Last line to be recited in disapproving voice)
Cawnpore/Kanpur
There once were two men of Cawnpore
Who buggered and fucked the same whore
But the partition split
and the spunk and the shit
Fell out in great lumps on the floor.
…filthiest I know
There was a young man from Lainus
There was a young man from Lainus
Who emitted an odor quite heinous
As people passed by
Many started to cry
Turns out there’s a leak in his anus
There once was a woman named Ann
There once was a woman named Ann
Who was said to be quite like a man.
When nature did call,
She ran down the hall,
And went to the gentleman’s can.
“How could you”, said Joe to his mother
“How could you”, said Joe to his mother,
“Cavort in your bed with another?”
“Oh promise me lad
That you won’t tell your dad
If I screw you as good as your brother.
There once was a fellow named Mark
There once was a fellow named Mark
who spread a girls legs in the dark
He said “Now by thunder
it’s a natural wonder
I declare this a National Park.”
An architect fellow named Yoric
An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
Display for selection
Three kinds of erection
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
I’m told of a Bishop of Birmingham
I’m told of a Bishop of Birmingham,
Who buggered young boys while confirming them,
To roars of applause,
He tore down their drawers,
And pumped the Episcable sperm in ’em.
I know of a horny boy Matt
I know of a horny boy Matt
Who played with a vampire bat
With his dick in his hand
His voice did command
“Try sucking the blood out of that!”
there once was a genie
there once was a genie
with a ten foot weenie
so he showed it to the lady next door,
she thought it was a snake
and cut it with a rake
and now its only five-foot-four
“If only you’d show me”, I said
“If only you’d show me”, I said,
“Just a smidgeon of interest in bed.
Just a smile? Just a sigh?
Just a touch on my thigh?
Just a … shit; I forgot you were dead.
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
There once was a man named McBass
There once was a man named McBass,
Who’s balls were made out of brass
He’d clang them together
In stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass.
There was a young lady from Kew
There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.
The 80-year-old accused of rape was called Mort,
The 80-year-old accused of rape was called Mort,
And the judge said, “Sir, you’ll have to be tried in court.”
But the jury was sympathetic,
Because Mort was sick, old, and pathetic,
And the evidence wouldn’t stand up in court.
There once was a man named Eugeene
There once was a man named Eugeene,
Who built a masturbation machine,
The damned thing broke
On the 14th stroke,
And whipped his balls to a cream.
There once was a girl named Hortence
There once was a girl named Hortence,
Whose breasts were very immense.
One day, while playing soccer,
Out popped her left knocker,
And she kicked it right over the fence.
A lovely young bride name of Kylie
A lovely young bride name of Kylie
Said, “Husband, I don’t rate you highly.
I have to confess
I prefer the caress
And the fucking of Father O’Reilly.”
My god! Do you call that a dress?
My god! Do you call that a dress?
The material couldn’t be less!
What there is, is so thin
And transparent; it’s a sin,
And causing me trouser distress.
There was a young lad from Bahrain
There was a young lad from Bahrain
Who prayed to the heavens for rain;
For he’d squirted his goo
All over his shoe
And he couldn’t get rid of the stain.
There once was a man named Dave
There once was a man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
Oh what the hell,
I’ll get used to the smell.
And think of the money I’ll save.
There once was a man named Piatt,
There once was a man named Piatt,
who’s sexual habits were a riot.
From horses to hens,
To mice and men,
If it had a hole, he would try it.
There once was a man named Sprockett
There once was a man named Sprockett
Who walked with his hand in his pocket
He was able to hide
What he was doing inside
Till he shot off like a Fourth of July rocket.
“What’s this?” said James Bond to old Q.
“What’s this?” said James Bond to old Q.
“It’s a miniature camera for you.
Before screwing a miss
Just insert it like this
And we’ll sit here enjoying the view.
There was a young man from Leeds
There was a young man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
Within an hour
His cock was in flower,
And his balls were all covered with weeds.
There once was a man from Peru
There once was a man from Peru
Who slept in a really long canoe
While dreaming of venus,
he played with his penis
And woke up with a hand full of goo
There once was a freshman named Lin
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said “This won’t be much of a sin.”
Her pussy lips flapped as she farted
Her pussy lips flapped as she farted
A fart and a half. As they parted
Like wings of a dove
She rose ten feet above
And waved as she slowly departed.
There was an old virgin named May
There was an old virgin named May
Who lived to her hundredth birthday
There came a horrible smell,
From up in her well
Seems her cherry had rotted away
There once was a girl from Penlochrie
There once was a girl from Penlochrie
Who had sex with a man on a rockery
She said, “Oh, you’ve cum.
“All over my bum.
“This isn’t a fuck. It’s a mockery!”
There once was a monk from Kerplunks
There once was a monk from Kerplunks
Whose body was that of a hunk’s
The nuns all went woozy
when he stepped into the jacuzzi
For the monk had forgotten his trunks.
There was a young woman from Ealing
There was a young woman from Ealing
Who has a peculiar feeling,
She lay on her back
Opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling
There once was a man from Nantucket
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long, he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
as he was wiping his chin
If my head was a cunt, I could fuck it.
There was a young fellow named Simon
There was a young fellow named Simon
Who tried to discover a hymen,
But he found every girl
Had relinquished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond!
There once was a woman from Arden
There once was a woman from Arden
Who was seen sucking a man in the garden
Her mother said, “Flo,
Where does it all go??
And she said, “Gulp, Beg your pardon?”
There was an old man from Roupe
There was an old man from Roupe
who had lost all control of his poop.
One night at supper
his wife said, “Now Tupper,
stop making that noise with your soup!”
There once was a boy named Kevin
There once was a boy named Kevin
Who used a vacuum to stretch it to seven,
Then eight and then nine,
And though ten was divine,
There will be film at eleven.
There was a young girl from Penzance
There was a young girl from Penzance
Who boarded a bus in a trance
A passenger fucked her
And so’d the conductor
The driver shot off in his pants.
There once was a woman named Schott
There once was a woman named Schott
Who ate only pig shit and snot
When she ran out of these,
She lived on the cheese
That grew in the folds of her twat
“I’ll tell you,” smiled prom chairman Mose
“I’ll tell you,” smiled prom chairman Mose,
“Why Peggy’s the prom queen I chose:
She’s as cheerfully free
As the wind on the sea –
And besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!
There once was a hacker named Ken
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn’t been heard from since then.
There was a young whore from kaloo
There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
“If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!”