I heard that she would never say no
Just 10 bucks for a blow.
But when down on her knees
I said, “Oh baby please
Move up, you’re too low, that’s my toe!”
Category: Original Content
There once was a man from Racine (#2)
There once was a man from Racine
Who invented a loving machine.
Both concave and convex,
It could serve either sex,
Entertaining itself in between!
(But oh what a bastard to clean!)
An uptight young lady named Breerley
An uptight young lady named Breerley
Who valued her morals too dearly
Had sex, so I hear,
Only once every year,
And she strained her vagina severely.
There once was a queer from Khartoum (#2)
There once was a queer from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room.
They spent the whole night
In a hell of a fight
Over who should do what, and to whom!
There once was a lady from Thrace,
There once was a lady from Thrace,
Who’s corset no longer would lace,
Her mother said “Nellie,
There’s more in your belly,
Than ever went in through your face.”
A calculating lady named Kay
A calculating chippie named Kay
Never got “in a family way.”
She’d give the men rum,
Then show them her bum,
And that’s where she’d have them play.
(What more do I need to say?)
There was a young man of Devises,
There was a young man of Devises,
Whose balls were of different sizes.
His tool when at ease,
Hung down to his knees,
Oh, what must it be when it rises!
A bold cowboy from Laredo
A bold cowboy from Laredo
Had a member shaped like a potato.
While some girls would faint,
Others thought it was quaint
To use a potato to mate…OH!!!
There once was a couple named Kelly
There once was a couple surnamed Kelly
Who had to walk belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used wallpaper paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
A young man named O’Doul
A young man named Marty O’Doul
Found a red ring on his tool.
He went to the clinic,
Said the doctor, a cynic,
Wash it off, its only lipstick, you fool!
A bugger who buggered some sheep
A bugger who buggered some sheep
Tried to bugger a ewe in her sleep.
She awoke with a start
And she ripped a great fart.
Now he’s covered in shit three feet deep.
There was a man from Ka-bot
There was a man from Ka-bot
That lived on his boogers and snot
When he couldn’t have these
He lived on the cheese,
That grew on his grungy old cock!
Hickory Dickory Dock
Hickory Dickory Dock
The tongue ran up the cock.
The man did smile.
It had been quite a while.
And his cock was as hard as a rock!
Shirley Brown thought it a fable
Shirley Brown thought it a fable
That everyone must have a navel,
For she had a yard
Of unbilical cord
She kept hidden beneath the table.
Young lady from Nizes
There was a young lady from Nizes
Who had tits of two different sizes.
One was so small,
It was nothing at all,
But the other was quite large, and won prizes!
The Lass Named Katrina
Did you ever see the lass named Katrina?
She’s frightening, if you ever seen her
When she started to blow
The smart people did go
The rest stayed in the Superdome arena
An accident really uncanny
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
While Titian was mixing rose madder,
While Titian was mixing rose madder,
his model was posed on a ladder.
Her position to Titian
suggested fruition.
So he mounted the ladder and had her.
There once was a man named McSweeny
There once was a man named McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be Couth
He added some Vermouth
And slipped his chick a Martini!
Bigamy, they say, is a vice
Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice,
But one is a bore,
I’d prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is spice?
There once was a Jew from Peru
There once was a Jew from Peru
who was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife screamed “oy vey,
if you keep up this way,
The Messiah will come before you.”
A Man Named Gore
In Hollywood, a man named Gore
Whom the environmentalists all adore
Said use crops for fuel
To make taxpayers fools
Because he’s actually a farm subsidy whore
Two Gay Men in the Snow
There lay two gay men in the snow
And those two men commenced to blow
As it got colder
The men got bolder
To get the cinders in their campfire to glow
The Girl From Arabia
There was a girl from Arabia
A devout Muslim, Mohammed was her savior
To save her from sin
The surgeon cut in
And removed every bit of her labia.
The girl from New Orleans
There once was a girl from New Orleans
She was as sweet as a bag full of pralines
Just like the candy
She had nuts in her panties
And without panties, her nuts were a falling
There was a young maid from Madras
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think,
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!
There was a young lady named Claire
There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that’s what I thought
‘Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.
There was a young man from Cape Horn
There was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!
There once was a fellow named Perkin
There once was a fellow named Perkin
Who always was jerkin’ his gherkin
His mother said, “Perkin,
Stop jerkin’ your gherkin –
Your gherkin’s for ferkin’ not jerkin’.”
There’ a starlet who’s still in her teens
There’ a starlet who’s still in her teens
Who’s adept at removing her jeans.
And in X-rated flicks
So accomplished with pricks
That she steals all the pictures’ obscenes.
There was a young fellow named Dick
There was a young fellow named Dick
Who perfected a wonderful trick:
He’d get an erection
And scorn all protection,
Then balance himself on his prick.
Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke
Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke
Made love to a cow as a joke
He found pleasure divine
With this friendly bovine
Now they call him the old cowpoke!
I don’t mean to tarnish your cheer
I don’t mean to tarnish your cheer
But old Santa Claus is a big queer!
He fondles the elves,
Who pleasure themselves
With a bugger up old Santa’s rear!
Ginger was feeling quite gruff
Ginger was feeling quite gruff
Till he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, “I just can’t get enough!”
Ginger from County of Dade
Ginger from County of Dade
Said, “I think it’s time I got laid.”
“My vibrator can tingle
But it’s not cunnilingual”
And that’s how orgasms are made.”
There was a bleached blond named Dolores
There was a bleached blond named Dolores
Who had an unusual clitoris
It’s location remote
Was deep in her throat
Where she douched with a touch of Lavoris!
To Stan, Ginger whined and then sighed
To Stan, Ginger whined and then sighed
Her vibrator battery died
She got off instead
With ten minutes of head,
Then she gave Stan’s old willie a ride!
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
“My favorite sport is coitus.”
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete’s fetus.
There once was pervert named Manny
There once was pervert named Manny
who stuck his long prick up his fanny.
Oh! What’s this shouting about?
Seems he can’t get it out.
He can’t shit, he can’t piss. It’s uncanny!
Once there was a man from Boston
Once there was a man from Boston
Who took a ride in his Austin
He had room for his ass
a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost them.
There once was a barmaid named Gale
There once was a barmaid named Gale
On whose breasts was the menu for ale
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille.
A hard-headed cabby named Peter
A hard-headed cabby named Peter
Was asked by a fare if he’d eat her.
He said, “It’s not free.
I will only agree
To go down while I’m running the meter.”
Goldilocks has lots of guys
Goldilocks has lots of guys
Pinnochio’s one, I’m advised!
She sits on the puppet
And sticks his nose right up it
And makes the poor fellow tell lies!
Ode to Janie and Joe
There once was a chick from Apache Junction
Whose herpes was so bad she could hardly function
Her boyfriend was Joe
And he called her a ho’
When he learned of his own infection.
“You, choirboy!” ordered the pastor
“You, choirboy!” ordered the pastor
“Bend over the pew for your Master!”
He said with a moan
As he slipped him a bone.
“Now just wag your tail a bit faster!”
there was a young man from Bude
there was a young man from Bude
stood fingering his girl while they queued
a man in the front sniffed and said cunt
just like that right out loud, fucking rude
We all know that tampons are spongy
We all know that tampons are spongy
And often times get rather grungy
But why they have strings
Among other things
Is so that the crabs can all bungee.
There was a young lady of Clewer
There was a young lady of Clewer
Who was riding a bike, and it threw her.
A man saw her there
With her legs in the air,
And seized the occasion to screw her.
There was a young fellow named Skinner
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine;
And at a quarter to ten it was in her.
A thrifty old man named McEwing
A thrifty old man named McEwing
Inquired, “Why be bothered with screwing?
It’s safer and cleaner
To finger your wiener,
And besides you can see what you’re doing.”