There once was a man named Adair
That was fucking his bitch on the stairs
But the banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair
Category: Original Content
There was a young man from St. Rose
There was a young man from St. Rose
whose love life was so full of woes
he loved sixty-nine
he’d do it all the time
but always got shit on his nose
There once was a man from York
There once was a man from York
who picked his nose with a fork
when it got stuck
he said “i don’t give a fuck”
and walked around looking like a dork
There once was a man named Dave
There once was a man named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
she had only one tit,
and smelled worse than shit,
but think of the money Dave saved.
There was an old girl from Kilkenny
There was an old girl from Kilkenny,
Whose usual charge was a penny.
But for half of that sum
You could roger her bum
A source of amusement for many.
There was a young man of kildare
There was a young man of kildare,
Who was having a girl in a chair,
At the sixtieth stroke
The bloody thing broke
And his rifle went off in the air.
There were three young maidens of twickenham,
There were three young maidens of twickenham,
Who wanted Tom, Harry, and Dick in ’em,
They prayed hard to Venus
Saying, “Surely, between us”,
We can lengthen, and strengthen, and thicken’em
Said Old father William I’m humble
Said Old father William I’m humble,
And getting too old for a tumble,
But produce me a blonde,
And i’m still not beyond,
An attempt at an interesting fumble
There was a young gigolo named Bruno
There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, “Screwing one thing i do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Llamas are numero uno!”
There once was a man form Calcutta
There once was a man form Calcutta
who had a good fuck in a gutter
a copper walked by
got cum in his eye
and thought it was anchor best butter
There was an old pervert from Notts
There was an old pervert from Notts,
Who loved licking young ladies botts;
Whilst rimming one tart,
She passed a wet fart;
And covered his face in brown spots.
There was a fishmonger called Babs,
There was a fishmonger called Babs,
Who sold cod, skate, place and dabs;
But she had sex with me,
And caught my VD;
And now she’s a purveyor of crabs.
There once was an artist named Saint,
There once was an artist named Saint,
Who swallowed some samples of paint.
All shades of the spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With a colourful lack of restraint
There was a young Lady called tart
There was a young Lady called tart
Who felt she needed a fart
She stepped outside
And to her surprise
Blew over a horse and cart
There was a young woman from Ealing
There was a young woman from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She laid on her back
Opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling
There once was a girl from Aboritzwith
There once was a girl from Aboritzwith
Who used to take flour to the mill to bake crisps with,
But the miller’s son Jack,
laid her flat on her back,
and united the organs they pissed with.
There was a young tart from Southend
There was a young tart from Southend,
Who tried lesbian sex with her friend;
With a moan and a grunt,
She licked her mates cunt;
And loved the experience no end.
There once was a man named Dave
There once was a man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
You must admit
She smelled like shit
But imagine the money he saved
There once was a young man who
There once was a young man who
laid an extraordinary long poo.
He let out a scream!
Can this be a dream?
That’ll never flush down the loo
There once was a man from Beijing
There once was a man from Beijing
Who invented a jack off machine
He put his prick in it
Done a thousand beats a minute
And turned his poor balls to cream
A fellow who lived in New Guinea
A fellow who lived in New Guinea
Was known as a silly young ninny.
He utterly lacked
Good judgment and tacked,
For he told a plump girl she was skinny.
There was a young girl from Mauritius
There was a young girl from Mauritius,
Who said “that last shag was delicious!”
“But next time you cum”
“Can u cum up me bum”
“Cos that scab on your knob is suspicious!”
There was a young lady named Sharkey
There was a young lady named Sharkey
Who had an affair with a darkey.
The result of her sins
Was quadruplets, not twins,
One white, and one black, and two khaki.
There once was a queer from Rangoon
There once was a queer from Rangoon
who invited a lesbian up to his room
they did argue and fight
all thru the night
as to who would do what to whom
There was a young lady named Myrtle
There was a young lady named Myrtle
Who had an affair with a turtle,
She had crabs, so they say,
In a year and a day,
Which proves that the turtle was fertile.
A young man whose sight was myopic
A young man whose sight was myopic
Thought sex an incredible topic.
So poor were his eyes,
That despite its great size,
His penis appeared microscopic.
There once was a couple named kelly…
There once was a couple named Kelly
who took crazy glue for petroleum jelly
They started to fuck
But found they were stuck
And had to get around belly to belly
There once was a man from Nantucket
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantookit.
A nudist by the name of Roger Peet
A nudist by the name of Roger Peet
Loved to dance in the snow and the sleet,
But one chilly December
He froze every member,
And retired to a monkish retreat.
There was a young girl from Madrid
There was a young girl from Madrid
who swore that she’d never been rid
along came a halion
with balls like a stallion
and rid her like Billy the Kid
There was a young man from Darjeelin
There was a young man from Darjeelin
who got on a train board for Ealing
it said on the door
don’t come on the floor
so he carefully came on the ceiling
A Man from Racine
There once was a man from Racine
Who invented a fucking-machine.
Concave or convex, it could do either sex,
But boy was it a bugger to clean.
They switched to the topic of sex
They switched to the topic of sex,
which left them both quickly perplexed
’cause she was still virgin,
and and he stunk like sturgeon,
and both were as old as a t-rex.
There once was a lad from Helsinki
There once was a lad from Helsinki
Whose prick was the size of a Twinkie
Said a whore, “For a shilling
I’ll suck out the cream filling,
But we can’t fuck ’cause your thing’s too dinky.”
Said a boy to a girl from Beirut
Said a boy to a girl from Beirut,
“I’ve had none better looking than you.
But don’t be quick to boast
For your cunt’s dry as toast
And it smells like an old dirty shoe.”
One drowsy old Countess of Florage
One drowsy old Countess of Florage
Would keep her mouth open for snorage
The Count still had fun
And when he was done
She had swallowed a bit of his porridge
Bude (Cornwall, England)
There was a young lady of Bude
Who went for a swim in the nude
But a man came along
And unless I am wrong
YOU thought the last line would be RUDE.
.
(Last line to be recited in disapproving voice)
Cawnpore/Kanpur
There once were two men of Cawnpore
Who buggered and fucked the same whore
But the partition split
and the spunk and the shit
Fell out in great lumps on the floor.
…filthiest I know
There was a young man from Lainus
There was a young man from Lainus
Who emitted an odor quite heinous
As people passed by
Many started to cry
Turns out there’s a leak in his anus
There once was a woman named Ann
There once was a woman named Ann
Who was said to be quite like a man.
When nature did call,
She ran down the hall,
And went to the gentleman’s can.
“How could you”, said Joe to his mother
“How could you”, said Joe to his mother,
“Cavort in your bed with another?”
“Oh promise me lad
That you won’t tell your dad
If I screw you as good as your brother.
There once was a fellow named Mark
There once was a fellow named Mark
who spread a girls legs in the dark
He said “Now by thunder
it’s a natural wonder
I declare this a National Park.”
An architect fellow named Yoric
An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
Display for selection
Three kinds of erection
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
I’m told of a Bishop of Birmingham
I’m told of a Bishop of Birmingham,
Who buggered young boys while confirming them,
To roars of applause,
He tore down their drawers,
And pumped the Episcable sperm in ’em.
I know of a horny boy Matt
I know of a horny boy Matt
Who played with a vampire bat
With his dick in his hand
His voice did command
“Try sucking the blood out of that!”
there once was a genie
there once was a genie
with a ten foot weenie
so he showed it to the lady next door,
she thought it was a snake
and cut it with a rake
and now its only five-foot-four
“If only you’d show me”, I said
“If only you’d show me”, I said,
“Just a smidgeon of interest in bed.
Just a smile? Just a sigh?
Just a touch on my thigh?
Just a … shit; I forgot you were dead.
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
There once was a man named McBass
There once was a man named McBass,
Who’s balls were made out of brass
He’d clang them together
In stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass.
There was a young lady from Kew
There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.