There once was a hussy so brazen
On each breast a red bull-eye she’d blazon
A lusty outsider
With mercurochrome dyed her
And shriveled her up like a raisin.
Category: Original Content
Once a young woman named Alice
Once a young woman named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.
For money, and something to clamp on
For money, and something to clamp on
Young Suzi inserted a tampon.
She diddled her cunt
‘Til she came with grunt
And then sold it still fresh with her damp on.
There was a young man from Wales
There was a young man from Wales
Whose yachting technique never fails.
He dines on baked beans
And plenty of greens,
And his farts put the wind in the sails.
That piano man’s surely the leanest
That piano man’s surely the leanest
and shortest and smallest and meanest.
I aquired him, said Feeny,
As a gift from a Genie
When he thought I said thirteen-inch pianist
There once was a man named Ray
There once was a man named Ray
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat of his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And tore all his foreskin away
There once was a freshman named Lin
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said “This won’t be much of a sin.”
Two guys at a condom convention
Two guys at a condom convention
Attracted a lot of attention.
“s dong is the bigger?
“They argued with vigour;
But still it’s a bone of contention.”
A virgin by name of Miss Prim
A virgin by name of Miss Prim
Is exceedingly ugly and grim;
But she still gets her joys
In the absence of boys
From the toys she employs in her quim.
Said Siegfried to Roy at the zoo
Said Siegfried to Roy at the zoo,
“Be careful in all that you do,
Keep those lions at bay,
Or it will, I must say,
Be the first time a pussy ate you!”
There once was a man from Fort Myers
There once was a man from Fort Myers
Who wrapped his balls up in wires
He flicked the switch
And oh what a bitch
His Balls began to catch fire
There was a man named Moulder
There was a man named Moulder
who tripped over a boulder
instead he tripped on a rock
and grasped his own cock
and threw himself over his shoulder.
There once was a local called Land
There once was a local called Land
Who had a quite limber right hand.
One night he screamed,
“That damn Vaseline,
Some bastard has mixed it with sand!”
There once was a woman from New Zealand
There once was a woman from New Zealand
Who had a peculiar feelin
She laid on her back
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceilin
There was a young man from Spartar
There was a young man from Spartar,
Who was an incredible farter.
At the strength of one bean,
He could play “God Save the Queen”,
And Beethoven’s “Moonlight Senata”.
The selection was tough, I admit.
He didn’t stutter one little bit.
He threw his arse aloft,
And he suddenly coughed.
And collapsed in a shower of shit!
There was a young lady at sea
There was a young lady at sea
Who said “Gosh, how it hurts me to pee.”
“I see,” said the mate,
“That accounts for the state
Of the Captain, the purser, and me.”
There once was a lady named Dot
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pigshit and snot.
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat.
A businesslike harlot named Draper
A businesslike harlot named Draper
once tried an unusual caper.
What made it so nice
was you got it half-price
if you brought in her ad from the paper.
There once was a girl from Sidney
There once was a girl from Sidney
Who could take it right up to her kidney
But a guy from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck
He had a long one, now didn’t he.
There was a young lady named Rose
There was a young lady named Rose
Who’d occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux
There once was a man from Bombay
There once was a man from Bombay
who made a cunt out of clay
He stuck in his dick,
the thing turned to brick
and he scraped his foreskin away.
There once was a girl from Nantucket
There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who crossed the sea in a bucket,
And when she got there
They asked for a fare
So she pulled up her dress and said “FUCK IT!”
There one was a man named Magruder
There one was a man named Magruder,
Who lived with a stripper and whooed her,
She said it was rude, to get whooed in the nude,
So Magruder got ruder, and screwed ‘er!
A horny young sailor named Clark
A horny young sailor named Clark
picked up a slut in a park.
She was ugly and crude
and a horror when nude,
but she was good for a spell in the dark.
There was a young lady from China
There was a young lady from China
Who mistook for her mouth, her vagina
Her clitoris huge
she covered with rouge
And lipsticked her labia minor
There once was a young barmaid from Wales
There once was a young barmaid from Wales
On her breasts were written the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
The prices were tatooed in braille
There was a young lady at sea
There was a young lady at sea
Who said “Gosh, how it hurts me to pee.”
“I see,” said the mate,
“That accounts for the state
Of the Captain, the purser, and me.”
There once was a man from Winsocket
There once was a man from Winsocket,
Who rode down the street on a rocket.
The force of the blast
blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
My penis, dear girl, is so small
My penis, dear girl, is so small;
It’s the size of an atom, that’s all.
But an atom’s main mission
Is fusion and fission
And BANG!! I shall leave you in thrall.
There was a young man from Montrose
There was a young man from Montrose
Who had a wet dream I suppose.
The landlady said,
As she changed his bed,
“This didn’t come out of his nose.”
There once was a man from Bombay
There once was a man from Bombay
Who raped an ape in the hay.
The result was most horrid,
All asshole and no forehead
Eight balls and a purple toupee!
There once was a man from Belgras
There once was a man from Belgras
Who had balls made out of glass
On hot sunny days
They focused the sun’s rays
And burned all the hair off his ass
Helen Keller’s pussy grew tight
Helen Keller’s pussy grew tight,
Masturbating alone late at night,
She rubbed that hot gland,
With just her left hand,
And silently moaned with her right.
A spiritual healer named Lee
A spiritual healer named Lee
Ducked into the alley to pee
He pissed in the eye
Of this blind homeless guy
Who screamed “Holy shit! I can see!”
There once was a girl from Nantucket
There once was a girl from Nantucket
whose pussy was big as a bucket
I put my dick in
and said with a grin
I’m gonna need a fence post to fuck it
Clinton’s Disbarment Defense
They say truth is stranger than fiction,
and slickness is rarer than friction
With Clinton we’ve found
the rules upside down–
especially with language and diction.
The latest political treatise,
American Rhapsody teases
And generates laughter
because the last chapter
proclaims Clinton talks with his penis.
Bill’s heated reaction was fleeting
when he got his gene-mapping readings
‘Cause his genes present
a brand-new defense
against his disbarment proceedings.
And in his disbarment proceedings,
this brand new defense will be pleaded
His lips will not move,
and that’s how he’ll prove
the lies were all told by his penis.
The judge in such case must be awesome
to measure such jetsam and flotsam.
That must be why
when this case is tried,
the judge in the case is a Johnson.
There once was a lad named Cass
There once was a lad named Cass
Whose balls were made of brass
In stormy weather
They’d bang together
And lightning would shoot out of his ass
man from Bombay
There once was a man from Bombay
who fashioned a cunt out of clay
but the heat from his prick
turned it to a brick
and chafed all his foreskin away.
Lady from Exeter
There once was a lady from Exeter
so pretty that men craned their necks at her
one was even so brave
as to pull out and wave
the destinguishing mark of his sex at her.
A man took some shit from his wife
A man took some shit from his wife
’bout the lack of good sex in their life
By way of apology
He whipped out mahogany
And her asscrack was soon in great strife!
A frustrated factory slave
A frustrated factory slave
Tried to have sex with a lathe
But his bold penile pup
Was quickly chopped up
And entombed in a cold metal grave.
Screw Ma’lue
There once was a girl named Screw Ma’lue
She went out west to find her fricken best
When she fucked, she fucked for keeps
Laid her victims up in heaps
But in this town named Bad-Ass Crete
There lived a half-assed bastard named Piss-Pot Pete
With snot in his beard and shit on his feet
He had twenty-six pounds of swinging meat
Well Screw Ma’lue had met her fate
Turning back was much to late
Until this date today
Her drawers hang in the town’s cafe
Man from Mars
There was a man from Mars
he had Balls made of Brass
In rough sea weather
they short circuited together
and sparks came out of his Arse
Man named Jim
There once was a man named Jim,
Who downloaded porn on a whim,
He infected his ‘puta
While jerkin’ his shoota,
And turned his brain from bright to dim.
The once was a man from Nantucket…
There once was a man from Nantucket,
who had a dick so long he could suck it.
He’d say with a grin, as he wiped off his chin, ” If my ear was a pussy, I’d fuck it!!!”
Man from Leeds
There was an old man from Leeds
who swallowed a packet of seeds
blades of grass
grew out of his arse
and his bollocks were covered in weeds.
Decisions, Decisions
There once was a lady named Sue,
Who never knew quite what to do.
When presented, by chance
with a man without pants,
“A blow job, or do I just screw?”
There once was a man from Tulare,
There once was a man from Tulare,
Who got chewing gum stuck in his nut hair.
He said I’ll just shave my sack,
Cause it will all right grow back,
Or wax it like a porn star and go bare.
Chewing Gum
There once was a man from Tulare,
Who got chewing gum stuck in his nut hair.
He said I’ll just shave my sack,
Cause it will all right grow back,
Or wax it like a porn star and go bare.
Jane Train
There once was a woman named Jane,
Who often was pulling a train,
When it was shoved in her caboose,
Without any juice,
She screamed and she hollered in pain.